High School
by Doodlebugg
Summary: So, our heroes have gone on a journey of regeneration, traveled through dimensions, met a gay evil bad guy, and saved the world… Now they face their biggest challenge yet: High School. Can they survive? Well, knowing the author, probably not.
1. The Letter

So, our heroes have gone on a journey of regeneration, killed many, destroyed towns, travelled through dimensions, met a gay evil bad guy, and saved the world… Now Lloyd, Colette, Genis, Raine, Kratos, Sheena, Presea, Zelos, and Regal face their biggest challenge yet: High School. Can they survive? Well, knowing the author, probably not.

* * *

Chapter 1 – The Letter

* * *

Disclaimer: All Tales of Symphonia characters were harmed in the making of this story.

* * *

A young woman sat on the sidelines with a laptop. Her name was Haley, and she very much liked to screw with the ToS characters' minds. Haley could manipulate anything that happened in the game with her magical laptop, so she used it often. How else do you think Genis could have survived the journey with his short stubby legs and not-a-weapon weapon? Anyway, Haley currently floated, unseen, on a small cloud, surrounded by soda and other things the boring Symphonia characters are too unlucky to have. She made a small letter float down from the sky and land by Lloyd Irving. Of course, with his _amazing_ skills to not notice something, Haley had to hit him with her special very hot fire balls, and _then_ he looked down. Poor, stupid Lloyd.

"Hey, look guys! I found a letter!" Lloyd held up the magical letter addressed to the nine heroes – himself, Lloyd Irving; Colette Brunel, the Chosen of Sylvarant; Genis Sage, the genius mage; Raine Sage, the half-elven schoolteacher; Kratos Aurion, the stoic Cruxis angel and Lloyd's father; Sheena Fujibayashi, the ninja; Presea Combatir, the small lumberjack; Zelos Wilder, the perverted idiot Tethe'alla Chosen; and Regal Bryant, the president of the Lezareno Company.

The group crowded around Lloyd as he attempted to read the letter.

"Dee-ar gro-oop; hel-lo, I am –"

"Oh, give me that, Lloyd! Honestly, have you never learned to sound out words? Or read?" Raine ripped the piece of paper from Lloyd's hands and began to read.

"_Dear Group;_

"_I am the principal of Altamira High School, and I insist that you enroll, or, in Raine, Regal, Zelos, and Kratos' case, apply for the job as a teacher. I will see you tomorrow!_

"_Good Luck!_

_Altamira School Board"_

"…" Kratos said. Or didn't say. The rest just stared at the letter.

"So… We're going to school?" Lloyd asked. "That sounds… boring." Raine bitch-slapped Lloyd, and Haley chuckled. Raine was the funniest half-elf ever!

"I'm sorry, but I have to go back to Derris-Kha-AAAHHH!!!" Kratos said-screamed as Haley threw a fire ball at him. Haley smiled when it caused him pain. Yes, Haley is a sadistic person. But a very cute sadistic person. Anyways, Kratos got a back-full of fire which automatically changed his mind. He obviously didn't want more punishment. Haley was annoyed at him choosing the safer route. Kratos looked up at the cloud that Haley floated on. He seemed to be the only one (other than Raine and Regal) observant enough to know that there was a magical cloud that rained fire following them everywhere… The group really needed to get more observant.

"I mean, uh, I think we should take the offer." Kratos corrected himself.

"But don't you have to go collect the Exspheres from Derris-Kharlan?" Raine asked.

Kratos looked nervously to the sky, and Haley beamed. She was making the stoic angel nervous! Brownie for her! Haley then ate the brownie that popped into existence while Kratos nervously said, "Uh, no. It would be a, uh, great learning experience for us all."

The others didn't look quite so sure, so Haley sent down a bunch of fire balls to change their minds. After a bunch of grumbling from them, they reluctantly agreed to meet the principal of Altamira High School.

"Ah, Haley, you are just the greatest! How could you get anymore genius? Hey! Genius Genis! Haha!" Haley sang. The rational part of her mind (Which is only about three percent of her entire mind, and therefore normally covered by her insane, crazy, and irrational parts) then calmly broke down the fourth wall (which, due to the lack of a construction department in Symphonia, will be down for a while) and explained to the audience that Haley is insane and should be put in a mental hospital. Haley then shocked the rational part of her mind and it shut up. Then she smoothed out her now frizzy hair and began typing away on her magical laptop as her cloud followed Kratos (who she planned to torture some more) home… wherever home was for him at the moment. Screw that. Haley sent down a ball of fire which made Kratos retaliate and go to his son, Lloyd, to ask to come home with him. She was _not_ sitting in the woods all night!

Kratos let Lloyd lead the way to his house, and when there was far enough space between the father and son, Kratos called: "Come down, evil being, before I cast Judgment!" Haley got a little nervous, because her rational mind was speaking up again and saying even _she_, the ultimate being (Angels are sooo not the ultimate beings. Haleys are!), could not live through one of Kratos' Judgments, even though she totally could. Haley floated down enough to face him, and she had a muscle spasm trying to resist her fangirl impulses to go over and squeeze him to death (which she could probably do. Ask any of her friends!). She smiled calmly at Kratos, because she had practiced in front of her floating mirror every night in case she ever was in a situation like this.

"Who are you?" Kratos asked.

"You're future wife… Uh, I mean, you're superior! I am the Yggdrasill of Yggdrasill! Bow down to me, inferior being!" Haley said as menacingly as possible, which wasn't saying much, 'cuz she was just so dang adorable she couldn't be meanacing! She was cuter than Presea even! Ask anyone! Although, probably no one would agree…

"Um… Okay then… Why do you keep hitting me with fire?" Kratos asked. He didn't bow down to Haley.

"Because you're not doing the things I want you to do! Soda?" Haley said as a soda can appeared.

"What happened to free will? And what is soda?"

"Carbon-y, syrup-y goodness that eats away at your stomach. But it's good! And, free will? Yeah right! Haha! You make me laugh. No one has free will! Except me, 'cuz I have awesome bad-ass fire and a floating cloud and _soda_!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Kratos stared. And stared. And stared some more, until Haley's rational mind took control momentarily and said, "I'm extremely crazy and insane. No, those are not the same things. Insane people are people whose minds don't work in a normal way, and crazy people are foolish or strange. I just happen to be both. I'm SPECIAL!!!" The rational mind was pushed way in the back and Crazed-Haley took control again. "But, seriously, there's nothing you can do to stop me, including Judgment. This story will go how I want it to go, and that involves you going to teach biology at Altamira High. And Raine can teach history, and Regal can teach economics, and Zelos can teach… um… women's' health! Haha! And this will stress you out so much that I will laugh my head off! Yay for sadism!!!"

"Okaaay… Wait, story?"

"Yes! I am writing this story as it happens. Do you not see my gorgeous magical laptop? Look at all the words! I'm recording everything! You have the right to remain silent. Everything you say or do can and will be used against you in the court of law. You have the right to talk to a lawyer and have him present with you while you are being questioned. If you cannot afford a lawyer, one will be provided for you at government expense."

"Um… _What?_"

"Earth thing. You wouldn't get it. Stop asking questions, you'll just get more confused. Now, your son is getting too far away, and he'll start to worry about you. Don't ruin my plan! Go! NOW!!!"

Kratos took a step back as the forest shook with Haley's anger. He looked as scared as a stoic four-thousand-year-old angel can look. It looked funny, and Haley burst out with laughter. It was fun to pick on Kratos. Now she could see why all the other FanFiction writers did it!

Kratos backed away, nervously watching Haley, just in case she exploded, or spontaneously combusted, or threw another fire ball at him. When he was far enough away, he ran.

"Ah, it's good to be a sadist." With that, Haley floated upward on her cloud and followed Kratos all the way back to Dirk's house.

* * *

Well? What do you think? If you have any comments, questions, concerns, suggestions, pet peeves you want to share, or even some crazy story that involves elephants and diamonds, leave a review! Please? Oh, and yes, Haley is me. It's easier to be controlled if you have someone watching your every move... I should know. Also, I used the idea of a person floating on a cloud from the awesome story, Alternate Circumstances, a ToS parody by Davin Sunrider. Read it, it's awesome.

Oh, and one more thing. I have made a solemn vow to Martel that I wouldn't update my story until I have at least one positive review, because if I'm not entertaining my readers enough that they don't review, then it would be wrong of me to write another, which would be torture. So, yeah. Review!


	2. Classes and Gay Doppelgangers

I'm back! Yay! **Gladiator Beowolf **completely renewed my hope for the story! Thank you! *a brownie pops out of thin air and Haley gives it to him*  
Ahem... Well, now onto the story!

**Chapter 2 – Classes and Gay Doppelgangers**

* * *

Disclaimer: Haley does not own Tales of Symphonia Characters; she just controls their every movement and hits them with fireballs whenever she wants.

* * *

Haley looked at herself in her floating mirror, practicing her speech for the next time when she would meet Kratos. She couldn't be unprepared!

"Kratos, you will be going to Altamira High School, where you will…" Haley looked up as soon as she noticed the viewers looking at her in a strange way. She threw a fire ball at them, but it didn't hurt. Much.

"Hey, viewers! I suppose you want a story? Well, um, here's one! There once was a bunny rabbit named Richard, and he, um… Not that kind of story? Oh. Fine then." Haley cried softly as she returned to her magical laptop, which, she decided, needed a name. "I shall call you… Kratos! Oh, wait. No, already taken by my shower. Um… Zelos! No, that's my bed. Oh! I got it! Compy! Yeah! Compy and I will now document everything that happens to the poor, poor ToS characters! Yay!"

So, Kratos woke up that morning with a sore back. Haley had been zapping him and Lloyd all night, just for kicks. _I love fire_, Haley thought at the same time Kratos said: "I hate fire."

They got ready and headed out to Altamira, meeting up with the rest of the gang on their way there. Haley followed, like some crazed person-following magical-fire-raining cloud. Compy typed up the journey step-by-step (literally, it counted each step… 12,892 steps from Dirk's house to Altamira), but Haley thought the viewers might get bored and erased every word it wrote and wrote this: It was a long journey, but they finally made it.

The nine-some stood at the entrance to Altamira, where they assumed Altamira High School was, because, hey: _Altamira _High School. Where else would it be? _Iselia_? Whatever, enough ranting.

A man named George (the vice-president of Lezareno Company) walked up to them and said, "Ah, Master Bryant and Company. You're here to apply for the jobs or enroll at Altamira High School, I assume? Please, come this way." George (Jorge!) led them around to the water-train thingy. The operator took them to a big building that said: Altamira High School. George (Jorge!) left them standing there and went back the way they had come in.

"Well, let's go!" Colette called.

"Yeah, I might find some cute smart hunnies to do my paperwork! Or me, whichever." Zelos said, regrettably, because Raine slapped him directly after, followed by Sheena kicking him in a place that hurt… hard.

Raine, Regal, Kratos and Zelos led the way, while Sheena, Presea, Genis, Colette, and Lloyd followed. Lloyd started to look back and wave goodbye to his last moments of freedom, but Genis saw him and pulled him into the door.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!" Lloyd screamed, and Haley (You thought she left, didn't you? But she's always there, watching you…) laughed her head off at the pain she was causing him.

"You're too dramatic, Lloyd. Grow up!" Sheena rolled her eyes and went back to walking.

The hall was dim, and there was no noise except for the scurrying of rats' feet as they ran across leaky pipes. Green mold grew out of every crack in the wall, and it smelled like thousand-year-old fish. Or at least to Lloyd. The rest saw it as a bright, clean hallway with happy students laughing as they went to their first period class.

The group broke off, and the children (Lloyd, Colette, Sheena, Presea, and Genis) waited in a random hallway while the adults (Kratos, Raine, and Regal. You can't count Zelos as an adult, but he went too) walked to the principal's office. Or the Dean's office. The principal was named Dean.

"Welcome, travelers!" Dean said, "I'm so glad you came! We have four jobs available after four of our teachers died in a terrible fire-related accident. The jobs available are for teaching history, economics, biology, and women's health."

"Ooh! Me! Pick me!" Zelos yelled.

Principal Dean sighed and said, "What do you want to teach? Biology?"

"Hmmm… Tempting, but no. I'll take health."

"Uh…" Dean looked uncertain about this.

"I love history! The ancient temples and ruins are definitely in my area of expertise!" Raine squealed.

"I am able to teach economics, considering my business deals with such tasks." Regal said calmly. Of course. The only one who is sane is also the most boring. Haley came to a conclusion. Insane people are the best!

"Okay… Kratos, are you alright with teaching biology?" Dean asked the stoic mercenary-angel-thing.

"I will teach whatever is available," he replied.

"…Very well. Professor Raine, head to room 149, and Kratos, you're in the room next to her, 147. Regal is in 282, and Health is in room 95." Dean dismissed the three adults and Zelos and they headed to their respective rooms while Haley sat on her cloud in the hallway laughing maniacally and plotting how to torture the new teachers.

"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Then, Lloyd, Sheena, Presea, Genis, and Colette were summoned into the Dean's office.

They started walking toward the door. "You know," Lloyd said in a whisper, "'Dean' sounds a little like 'Desian,' don't you think?"

"Relax! Jeez, Lloyd, you are so paranoid!" Sheena retorted.

"Yeah! I'm sure everything will be fine!" Colette said with her little Colette Smile.

"Okay…" Lloyd still wasn't so sure. He still expected to find Yggdrasill around every corner.

"Whoa!" Colette said as she tripped and fell over the man that had just come from a different hallway. The man stood up and Lloyd thought he looked familiar. Wait…

"Yggdrasill!" Lloyd shouted, and the group froze.

The tall blond brushed himself off and said, "Um, no. Yggy is my name. I go to school here. "

"Creepy…" Genis whispered to Lloyd. "He looks just like Yggdrasill!"

"Yeah… That's a little weird," Lloyd replied.

"Oh, my Goddess. That jacket is, like, so _cute_!" Yggy exclaimed, completely oblivious to the freak-out session Lloyd and Genis were having. "Where'd you get it?"

"Huh? Oh, um, my dad made it for me…" Lloyd said when he realized Yggy was talking to him.

Meanwhile, Haley was enjoying the gay display of Yggy, complete with popcorn, soda and brownies.

"Wow, so you're dad must be, like, awesome!" Yggy said, in a very gay-ish tone everyone but Lloyd picked up on. Haley facepalmed several times before running off to find Raine because hitting herself in the head multiple times… not the best idea.

While Haley was getting healed (Yay magical healing!), Yggy flirted some more with Lloyd. Haley liked Yggy, but she wished Lloyd would get his cobweb-filled head out of the clouds and realize that Yggy liked Lloyd. Poor, poor, kind-of-mentally-retarded Lloyd.

When the late bell rang, Yggy quickly said "Bye!" and scurried off to his next class.

"Finally! We were supposed to be in the principal's office a long time ago!" Genis said as he attempted to drag Lloyd into the office.

Sheena looked over her shoulder at Yggy before following them, muttering to herself, "And I thought _Zelos_ was desperate."

When the group filed in, Principal Dean stood up to shake their hands. "It's a pleasure to meet the saviors of Tethe'alla and Sylvarant. We hope you'll be happy here!" he said. "Here are your schedules."

Lloyd looked at his, but didn't understand the big words like "history" or "class." Sheena saw his trouble, thought about how she ever could have liked him, and how it was possible that she still did, and read the schedule for him.

_Lloyd Irving-Aurion, age 17_

_First Semester Schedule, Altamira High School_

_Period 1, Math 1, Ms. Hamilton_

_Period 2, History, Ms. Sage_

_Period 3, Biology, Mr. Aurion_

_Period 4, Japanese, Mizuno-san_

_Period 5, Economics, Mr. Bryant_

"Wow! I'm taking Japanese! That's so cool! Wait, what's Japanese?" Lloyd, the ever-clueless one, asked.

"The language of the culture that allowed you to live." Haley said mysteriously, sort of. Well, it was mysterious to the Symphonia characters, at least, and that's what counted.

"Whoa! A talking cloud! This school has everything!"

Haley threw a fire ball at Lloyd, and he shut his mouth.

"Hey! You and I have history and biology together, Lloyd!" Genis said gleefully.

"Yeah, you're right! Oh, man, this'll be fun! I can't wait to do some experiments and make things explode in biology!" Yes, Haley was aware that no one actually got to make things explode in biology, but in this story, they did.

"Lloyd, I can already make things explode."

"Oh, well, I can't! C'mon, Genis! We'll be late!" Lloyd dragged the young half-elf out of the room and Haley laughed at the sight. Little boys stumbling and being dragged is funny.

"Oh, and Sheena, here's your schedule," Dean said.

Sheena had Lloyd's schedule, but flip-flopped. Presea and Colette had similar classes to hers.

"All right," said Colette, "Let's DO THIS THING!" (Haley made her say it. It was "vital" to the story)

* * *

Well, there you go. My second chapter. Once again, I won't update until I get some positive reviews. Include in your reviews: suggestions for torture (grins evilly); comments on spelling, grammar, or random stuff I should include/remove; concerns; questions; stories about bookshelves, trees, and toilet paper; and links to YOUR stories!

Thanks!!!!!  
~Doodlebugg =D


	3. This Story Is Seriously Messed Up

Chapter 3 – This Story is Seriously Messed Up

* * *

Sorry for the long non-update period. I had to go back and fix this chapter, and I had no impulse to do so for a while. But I forced myself to do it! Yay! THEN I kept forgetting to update... Well, can you blame me? I was dropped on my head as a baby! (Really, I was. My aunt did it...) So... (Ahem, drum roll please?) Here it is!

So, today on "Days of Fictional Characters' Lives," there is sex, weapons, explosions, love triangles, pregnancy (O.o), cliques, maniacal laughter, and everyone's favorite, Ruin-Mode! Go Raine! Hosted by Haley the Sadist.

Disclaimer: Contents of this story may asplode at any given moment from sheer awesomeness… BOOM! See?

* * *

*Snore, snore, snore, snurgle, cough hack* ... "AAAAH!" Haley woke up from the nightmare she had been having, which involved zombies, unicorns, a giant metal ball, and a few cannibalistic convicts. "Oh, um, hi," Haley said when she noticed the viewers eagerly waiting for a story. Haley woke up Compy the Magical Laptop and read what it had written down. "Hmmm… boring, boring, delete, delete, boring… wait. Oh, my sweet Goddess Martel. She did _WHAT?!_" Haley then deleted the detail of what Compy had written so as not to get kicked off of FanFiction. Then she looked at the audience only to see them getting more impatient. "You actually want to know who did what, when, and how? Well, if you insist, I guess…"

Lloyd came to school dressed like he was going anywhere else on the planet. Unfortunately, schools have certain policies about bringing two sharp swords onto campus. The math teacher, Ms. Hamilton, ran toward Lloyd. He was rather confused at why she looked so urgent, and he thought maybe he was on fire. He checked, then put out the fire burning his hair.

"Lloyd Irving! What on Aselia are you doing?! And what are you wearing?" Ms. Hamilton cried.

"Huh? What did I do?"

"You have _swords_ on school grounds. I'm going to have to confiscate them until a guardian picks them up. And clean yourself off; you're covered in blood! Wait… is that _rabbit blood_?" she asked.

"Uh, yeah…?"

Ms. Hamilton gasped. "Gasp! How could you do that to such a poor, defenseless animal?"

"Defenseless? That _thing_ almost gave me two black eyes! Fortunately, I took care of it. It seems everything is trying to kill me…"

Ms. Hamilton finished up mourning the evil demonic bunny rabbit and said, "No matter, but give me your swords. I will keep them until a guardian comes and picks them up."

"I'll take those." The deep (sexy!) voice rang through the ears of Lloyd and Ms. Hamilton. They spun around to see Kratos (Professor Kratos… *faints*) barreling through the throng of onlookers. He reached them in under a moment, then gave Ms. Hamilton his Kratos Death Glare, which the math professor shrunk back from. Kratos took the blades and gave them back to Lloyd, who smiled and said, "Thanks, Dad!"

"Th-this man is your _father_?" Ms. Hamilton asked out of disbelief. Obviously, Kratos had been making a name for himself as the toughest-and-scariest teacher ever. The professor looked so funny scrunched up in her little ball of scaredycat-ness. It was at times like this that Haley was glad to have a magical floating cloud following the ToS characters.

"Yes, I am his father," Kratos replied.

"Oh, well then that changes everything! Lloyd, go ahead and keep your swords, and don't bother with the pop quiz today! A…haha…uh…" Ms. Hamilton ran off into the unknown void. Too bad she would be reappearing in five minutes, when class started.

"Hmph." Kratos "said." _Oh, Kratos,_ Haley said to herself,_ you have such a way with words. You should be a poet!_

_---_

Later, in history, Colette sat at her desk watching the back of Lloyd's head. She wouldn't admit it, but she _liked_ him. Too bad Sheena liked him too. But Colette had known Lloyd almost her entire life! And Sheena had started out wanting to kill them!

"I guess it's okay to be selfish every now and then…" Colette said almost silently. She wanted Lloyd. Badly. She wanted to be with him for eternity and never let him go. And they would have a million angel-babies and have four hundred doggies and – ZAP! Haley cut off Colette's strange thoughts.

"That is one wacko chick," Haley said to herself, or to whoever was listening, which was no one. Down below, Raine was pacing in front of the chalkboard, explaining how polycarbonate was used in the Ancient Kharlan War.

"Polycarbonate was used in the Ancient Kharlan War as a defense against magic. It was used on Summon Spirit Seals such as the entrance to the Fire Seal in the Triet Ruins. Today, it is seen practically everywhere, from the hotel in the main area of Altamira to the walls surrounding Meltokio. Who remembered their homework and brought in a piece of polycarbonate?"

Colette raised her hand and brought up a piece of rock to the teacher. Professor Raine's eyes shone and Colette recognized her evil, malicious smile as another round of Ruin-Mode Syndrome (RMS). So did Lloyd, and he looked very nervous.

"Wow! This is MARVELOUS! The polycarbonate from the Triet Desert! Hahahahahahahaha!!!" Raine turned her back on the students and began to look at the chipping under a microscope. "Hahahahaha!!!"

Colette was used to this by now, so she just sat back and waited it out. She zoned, and started daydreaming about Lloyd. Lloyd with wings, Lloyd without wings, Lloyd when fighting, Lloyd when trying to come up with an answer to one of Professor's pop quizzes… It was only when he coughed did she notice the boy sitting next to her. He was _hot_. Possibly even more so than Lloyd, and that was saying something. Colette could feel her heart tearing, one heading in the direction of Lloyd, the other going toward the guy sitting next to her… She would have to get him to notice her.

---

In biology, Genis and Lloyd were paired together to do an experiment.

"You will recreate a small explosion using the materials in front of you. Read the procedure and begin." Professor Kratos sulked off to a corner of the room, presumably questioning his judgment. No, not Judgment, judgment.

"An explosion? I already know how to do that!" Genis cried happily.

The swordsman next to him said, "You do?" The half-elf nodded.

"Well, duh! I've done it at least a million times!" Genis moved back a little ways and began casting. When he summoned enough mana, he said the incantation: "Reduce these evil souls to ashes."

Kratos heard the mage a little too late, and got up to stop him just as Genis cried "Explosion!"

BOOM!

The only thing left of the destroyed classroom was the students (getting up from the pile of rubble), Genis' desk, and Haley, who was nearly falling off her cloud from laughing so hard.

"Muahahahahahaha!" Haley laughed. Kratos facepalmed.

"How was that, Kratos?" Genis asked the angel.

"…" he replied silently. It's a good thing Raine is so versed in the language of "…" or we'd never be able to understand Kratos!

"I'll get a broom…" Lloyd said as he sulked off to the janitor's closet.

"Muahahahaha!" Haley laughed again. She could hear Raine down the hall doing the same, presumably to an unsuspecting piece of "ancient history."

---

After school, there was a big party. Huge. Giant. Ginormicus! And there was a lot of beer there, so you really can't blame her… Well, you can, but still!

So anyways, Sheena was at this party, _extremely_ drunk, when a drunken Zelos and Lloyd stumbled upon her. Zelos was his normal kinky self, and suggested that she meet him upstairs for a little "alone time." Lloyd suggested the same thing (O.o). Who did she choose? You'll never know! Until the next chapter.

Soooo… Sheena woke up with some horrible stomach cramps and a ginormicus headache. Stupid hangovers. She felt a little queasy and ended up vomiting her… retainer (?) into the toilet. Then her memories of last night flooded back.

"GYAAAH!!!!!!!!" she screamed when she realized what she had done (of which Haley graciously spared you the details), and with _him_ of all people! And they all lived Happily Ever After… Until the next chapter.

---

So sorry it took so long, I've been jam-packed with homework, and all sorts of things. And recently, I turned fourteen, so that took a huge chunk of time out of my schedule, AND my great-aunt died. So many things, so very little time... Oh, well. It's up now. Review! Remember to leave CQCS: Comments, Questions, Concerns, and Suggestions! And don't forget a nice story about cannabalistic convits, butterflies, Winnie the Pooh, and Abraham Lincoln!

Have a superfantabulously wonderful day!


	4. Completely Random Chapter!

**Chapter 4 – Completely Random Chapter!**

Again, sorry for the extremely long update period.... Compy went berserk. Like when I first got it, the Blue Screen of Death kept popping up, and I couldn't get on it AT ALL. But then my "lucky charm" (my friend Alexis) came over to work on a project, we got sidetracked, I checked my computer, I got on for, like, five minutes, and I put most of my stuff on my flashdrive. So, now, with the help of my flashdrive, I am now updating this on my mother's computer. I'll have my own back in a week or so! YAY! Well, you didn't visit to hear about my troubles, so, on with the story! YAY!

* * *

We last left off with an extremely ashamed Sheena, a perverted-when-drunk Lloyd, an exploded biology classroom, a disgruntled Kratos, an insane Raine, and many cowardly teachers. Now read on for insanity, love triangles, and fan clubs! WARNING: LOTS AND LOTS OF PAIRINGS IN THIS CHAPTER!!!! MAY OR MAY NOT KEEP THEM!!!!

Disclaimer: Haley will one day marry Kratos. Or Lloyd. Or Genis. Or Zelos, if he ever stops being a pervert, which is about as unlikely as Yggdrasill coming back from the dead to apply for the job as a stripper at a gay strip bar. Which I can totally see him doing, but that's not the point.

* * *

"Not another…" Raine mumbled as she looked out the window. A group of boys were walking around with buttons on. The buttons had _her_ picture on it, and it looked as if they were distributing them. Raine sighed. The last thing she needed was a fan club, and it looked like that would be the first thing she got.

"Professor Raine?" Lloyd walked into her classroom a little nervously.

"Yes, Lloyd?"

"Um, I was wondering if it was okay to, um…" Lloyd mumbled something under his breath and Raine didn't catch it.

"Lloyd, you have to be louder. I know for a fact you can." She was getting a little irritated, as almost every one of her students were now wearing the little "I 3 Raine" buttons, girls aside.

"Um, well, I got this trinket, and I want to join their club…" Raine didn't like what Lloyd was implying, but she let him finish. "I want to, um, join the, uh, Professor Raine Fan Club." Lloyd scurried away from Raine and hid behind the door.

"You WHAT?!" Raine yelled. Her dumbest pupil, too? This was insanity!

"Uh, okay, well, bye!" Lloyd ran off, but not before the teacher chucked a chalkboard eraser at him.

Meanwhile, Haley laughed at Raine for the pain she was enduring. Haley had made those buttons, and she was glad she did!

"Oh, shut up, cloud-person," the half-elf said.

Haley floated down, a big grin spread wide across her face. "You want some company?" she asked.

"Uh, no. Who are you, anyway?"

Haley told Raine the same this she told Kratos, minus the marrying bit. "I am your superior! I am the Yggdrasill of Yggdrasill! Bow down to me, inferior being!" Raine cocked her eyebrow at this, and shook her head. Once again, no one bowed down to Haley. She needed a brownie. "I like you better when you're in Ruin-Mode. You're funnier," Haley said through bites of Magical Brownie.

"Are you calling me unfunny?" Raine shouted as she grew angry.

"Yes. Yes I am."

"I'll show you funny… O divine spear, run my enemy through! Holy Lance!"

Haley sat. Nothing happened for a second, then a big ginormous light swept down from nowhere and pierced her. Obviously Raine was annoyed. Haley screamed, and Raine gave a satisfied smile.

"Well, that takes care of one problem." Raine turned away, then stopped dead in her tracks when she heard it.

"Muahahahahahahaha!" Haley shouted from her cloud. Terrified, Raine looked back. Haley was sitting there, lax, without a scratch on her. "You can't hurt me!" she shouted, "I am the ultimate being! Nothing can hurt a Haley! Muahahahahaha! Soda?"

Raine ran out of the room.

"Oh, well, more for me!" Haley popped top and chugged the Coca-Cola.

* * *

"And Zelos will now be on a soulmate level with Lloyd… Haha! I'm so bad!" Haley typed away at Compy the Magical laptop while Zelos got a new taste in guys.

"Um, hey Lloyd?" Zelos asked as he caught up with Lloyd in the hallway.

"Yeah?" the swordsman answered.

"I've never asked this to a guy before, but we have a pretty high relationship, and last night I had a strange dream, like my genes were being arranged by some crazed psycho on a magic cloud, and, um… where was I?"

"You wanted to ask me something?" Lloyd supplied.

"Oh, right! Do you maybe want to hang out later? Then rent a hotel room, just for the two of us?"

"You mean, like a date?"

"Y-yeah…"

"WHAT?!" Yggy yelled as he came charging down the hallway. "How _dare_ you ask _my_ future boyfriend out on a date, you no good piece of _scum_!"

"Uh, Lloyd? Care to explain?" Zelos inquired, inwardly feeling rejected all because of this fool, Yggy.

"Oh, uh, Yggy, this is Zelos. We went on the journey to save the world together!" Lloyd smiled.

"Well, it doesn't matter how close you two are, you are _NOT_ dating Lloyd!" Yggy said before storming off.

"Well, according to Yggy, who I would never want to piss off again, we can't date. Sorry, Zelos. I'm sure Sheena's free tonight, though!" Lloyd gave a quick smile before turning and walking toward his next class.

"Hmmm… Sheena, huh? Oh, Sheena!" Zelos called as the ninja passed him on her way to her class. Well, that infatuation with Lloyd didn't last long…

"Oh, uh, hi, Zelos… Look, I, uh, gotta go." Sheena looked very nervous, and also very pissed.

"Well, before you do, do you want to hang out with me at the hotel tonight? The one here in Altamira?"

"No!!! Get away from me, you pervert!" Sheena snapped.

"Is this about the party? Look, I know it was a tough decision between me and Lloyd, but it doesn't have to be this way between us!"

"Yes, it does! You're a stupid pervert, and I made the biggest mistake of my life listening to you last night! I'm never talking to you AGAIN!!!"

"Whoa, whoa, hunny! Don't get all mad. We had lots of fun last night!"

Sheena slapped Zelos. Nothing new. "Shut up! You don't know what it feels like! You'll never know what it feels like to have the one person you couldn't care less for be the one you give your virginity to!!! So just _SHUT UP_!" Sheena stormed away, leaving the huge crowd that had gathered staring in shock at either Zelos or Sheena.

"Can someone say 'raging hormones?'" Zelos said. Then Chad, this story's #1 fan, walked up to him and bitch-slapped him. After that, he promptly disappeared.

"Muahahahahaha!" Haley screeched.

"You set this up, didn't you?" Zelos said to the magical floating cloud. Apparently, Haley was getting famous. Yay fame!

"Yeah… Heehee!" Haley disappeared. *Fade to black*

* * *

"You wanted to see me, Raine?" Kratos said as he stepped into her room. It was the end of the day, and he was still recovering from the explosion last chapter.

"Ah, Kratos. I'm glad you could make it. I need to say something." Raine glanced nervously to the magical cloud. Hmmm… the cloud needs a name also. Any suggestions?

"No good can come out of this…" Kratos knew Haley, and if she had anything to do with this conversation, well… you've been reading the story.

"Well, um, Haley told me to come out of my shell, so… Kratos, I love you. Your huge biceps, your great sword skill, your extremely sexy voice… everything about you is totally _hot_." Now, imagine Raine saying that… Haley couldn't, can you? But it did happen, according to a completely insane person who is very likely on crack. But is not.

Kratos stared. And stared. And stared some more. Then he stared at Haley, who was holding up a fire ball, trying to look menacing. But it's really hard to look menacing when you're trying to hold back huge fits of insane maniacal laughter. Kratos had no choice. He had to tell Raine the truth as well…

"I love you to, Raine. I love your healing touch and your ability to love, and the fact that you're not afraid to slap someone upside the head. You're beautiful, Raine."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Well, if you feel that way…" Raine attacked Kratos. Well, not _attacked_ attacked. More like sexually assaulted. Haley couldn't contain her laughter anymore and nearly fell off her cloud (seriously… I need a name. Remember: Compy is taken by her magic laptop, Kratos is her shower, and Zelos is the name of her bed). They had some fun, and about an hour later (Haley will spare you the details of a 4,000-year-old angel and a crazy half-elf having fun… Raine lost the game of Blackjack, though), they dusted themselves off and headed their separate ways. Kratos started for Lloyd's house (It's a sad day when your _dad_ lives with _you_) while Raine headed back to… Where _did_ she live, anyway? Her house burned down way back in the beginning of the game… Hmmm…

Oh well. It's a Plothole. Deal with it!

* * *

"You've got to be kidding me," Kratos said as Haley discussed her plan with him on the way back to Lloyd and Dirk's home-shack-thing.

"Nope!" she grinned.

"I am _not_ joining the glee club."

"Oh, yes you are."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"Ugh…"

"Ha! I win!"

Kratos gave Haley his infamous Kratos Death Glare, and Haley wasn't affected by it in the least. Only the ultimate beings can fight the scared feeling his glare gives! Foolish mortals!

"I hate you."

"Yeah, so does a lot of people. But that may be because I hit people with my magical fire… It's good to be the boss."

"I will not join the glee club."

"You want me to hit _you_?"

"No." Kratos got a little nervous at the thought of another round of searing fire.

"How 'bout an indignation-type thing?"

"No." He got more nervous.

"Then join the friggin' club!"

"…" Kratos said in his incomprehensible language.

"What's that? I don't understand Volt-Language."

"Fine."

Haley smiled and a soda popped into existence. "Soda? It helps."

"… … … … Yes."

"Heehee!"

* * *

"P-P-Presea?" Genis said as he once again tried to further their relationship. Ah, young love! So funny!

"Yes, Genis?" the not-quite-there girl answered.

"I, um, uh… I r-r-r-really l-like you, and I w-was j-just w-wondering if, uh, you, uh, liked m-me, t-too." Stuttering problem, much?

"Well…" Presea looked to the sky, where Haley sat, threatening her with her eyes. Haley's invisible shield had gotten around, so Presea knew there was nothing she could do to hurt the insane crazy person floating on a cloud. Not even her giant axe. She sighed in resignation, and said, "I like you too, Genis." Haley smile triumphantly, and just to make the love official, Haley gave Presea a non-hurting zap of Personality Change. That made her actually like him, which was totally evil of Haley, but still made for a happy Genis.

"ZOMG, for realz?" the mage said. Haley facepalmed. No, Genis, no. Never do that again… Ever.

"Yes… for some strange reason I have yet to detect…" Presea added under her breath.

"_YAY_!!!" Genis grabbed Presea by the hand and the two started skipping happily down a conveniently placed path covered in rose petals… O.o Oh, well. This story is crazy anyway. Might as well have an alien invasion, too.

"You hear that, boys?" the Great Late Kalamazoo, the alien overlord, said.

"No, that's not what I meant… go back to your home planet. Now, or I'll hit you with my magical fire."

"Oh, poo. Well… okay. Come on, boys, we'll just go attack Earth."

"Much better!"

So, the Great Late Kalamazoo and his alien army went on his U.F.O.'s to Earth and killed everyone but a few men, who were forced to be slaves while they watched the apocalypse unfold before their eyes.

And Genis and Presea lived Happily Ever After… but you know the drill.

"Muahahahahahahaha!"

* * *

I want to thank Twilight Scribe for giving me the awesome idea for the Raine Fan Club. She inspired it in one of her skits in Z-Skit Theater! THANKS A LOT!!!

Now, review please! I'll love you forever! I'll be your best friend! Actually, I probably won't, but I'll thank you! So, leave your comments, questions, concerns, stories, names, Kratos, pens, favorite songs… Where was I? Oh, right. Just (please) leave a review!!!


	5. A Shrine

**Chapter 5 – A Shrine**

* * *

Disclaimer: Beware of demonic bunny rabbits.

* * *

It was a weekend. Just so you know.

"Hmmm… What's this?" Lloyd said as he stumbled upon a cloud. This particular cloud had a sign on it that read: "Be back in 10." Also on the cloud was a large rectangle with a screen on it. Lloyd hit one of the keys of the rectangle and the screen started glowing. "Cool," he muttered. He looked around, and when he was sure no one was around, Lloyd climbed up on the cloud and began typing away.

_Once upon a time, _Lloyd began,_ there was a handsome swordsman named Lloyd who was brave and kind. Everyone liked Lloyd. One day, he was walking through the woods and he stumbled on a leg. He looked down to find that the leg was attached to a beautiful woman who was being eaten by a tree monster. Lloyd, the quick thinker he was, chopped the tree and saved the girl._

"_Oh, Lloyd, how can I ever repay you?" the woman said._

"_There is no thanks necessary, ma'am. Just trying to help save pretty girls like yourself." The girl blushed._

"_My name's Sheena. Sheena Fujibayashi." The girl was obviously turned on by Lloyd, having been saved by him. She would do anything for him, even give up her life…_

"_Well, I must be off! There is danger in these woods, and I must fend the evil off! Goodbye, my fair maiden, Sheena Fujibayashi." Before he left, though, Sheena pulled him in to give him a passionate kiss._

"_Thank you ever so much, O Handsome One." Then the girl ran off, her pink bow flowing in the breeze._

_Lloyd walked on, his swords drawn, in case any monsters were to attack another maiden. Then he heard the cry._

"_Help! Oh, please, someone help me!" Lloyd jumped into action when he heard the plea, and he ran to the source of the screaming. There he found a man, Zelos Wilder._

"_Oh, Lloyd! Help me, please!" Zelos cried. Lloyd looked to the monster and saw a creepy zombie. It was attempting to eat Zelos. Why was everything so persistent on eating everyone?_

_Lloyd shouted "Psi Tempest!" and the zombie was dead. Again._

"_Lloyd, thank you so much! I wish I could be like you! You're just so perfect." Zelos wrapped his arms around Lloyd, and they shared a brief, awkward hug._

"_Seriously, Zelos, it was nothing!"_

"_Well, to repay you, here. Take this." Zelos gave him ten million gald._

"_Thanks!"_

Lloyd smiled as he finished typing the story. He jumped off the cloud, then heard a slight rustling in the trees.

"Who's there?" he asked the wind. The rustle sounded again, gradually growing louder. It was on both sides of him now. Finally, a flash of pink and red showed on his left, and to the right was purple and black. Was it a monster? Worse.

"Sheena? Zelos? What are you doing here?" Lloyd asked, and got slightly afraid.

"We came because we just found out about your little 'story,'" Sheena said. She had a furious look on her face.

"I would never give anyone ten million gald!" Zelos screamed.

"And you made me look like a helpless little girl!" Sheena added.

"Whoa, whoa, guys, it was just a little story!" Lloyd said as he backed up into a tree.

"Written on a _magical laptop_!" Sheena cried as she shuffled her deck of cards. Zelos unsheathed his sword as well.

"Um, guys? Please don't hurt me," Lloyd weakly said.

Sheena thrust herself forward, shouting "Pyre Seal!" as she did. It was a bad day to forget his swords.

Zelos ran up to him with a cry of "Hurricane Thrust!" Lloyd flew upward and back, hitting his head on the tree. But there was someone behind Sheena and Zelos. A school uniform flew from out of the bushes, and a tall blond rolled a bunch of big boulders at Lloyd's attackers. Sheena got in one more Pyre Seal, and then they fell down, leaving a beaten Lloyd leaning against a tree. The Pyre Seal exploded, and everything went black.

* * *

It was dark, and Lloyd was on a soft and comfortable bed. He just wanted to lay there forever. But he smelled something burning. He forced his eyes open, and trained his eyes on the dozens of candles that lay burning in the large, dim room. He didn't see it at first, but when he was fully awake, he noticed the ginormicus painting of himself hanging on the opposite wall. He yelped, and a blond rushed into the room with a concerned look on his face.

"Oh my Goddess. Are you alright?" Yggy asked.

"Picture… Me… Stalker…." Lloyd managed. He was in shock.

"Oh, you like it? I painted it from memory. Perfect likeness, eh?" Yggy smiled.

"Stalker… You're such a creeper, Yggy!" Lloyd shouted. Yggy cringed back, and his eyes got all misty, as if he were about to cry. It was a pitiful sight.

"I-I'm sorry, Lloyd. I like you, and I wanted to see you every day."

Lloyd was feeling sorry for the guy, and was about to tell Yggy that _he_ was sorry for yelling at him, when he thought of something else.

"You were in the woods with me, and you defended me against Sheena and Zelos. How did you find me?" the swordsman asked.

"Oh! That's easy. I've been following you around, because I can't bear to be apart from you, and also to protect you from philanderers like Zelos." Yggy said "Zelos" like one would say "evil sadist," or "Haley."

Lloyd was astounded. Yggy was _stalking_ him! "Um… You're _stalking_ me?!"

"That's one way to put it…"

Lloyd sprang up from the bed and ran to the door. He was quick, so he made it before Yggy did. He ran out of the room and through the Lloyd-covered walls. This was really creepy…

He finally made it out, but Lloyd didn't stop running. He was going to get as far away from that crazy person as he could.

* * *

Meanwhile, Haley was coming back from her break. Even the best needed a potty break, right? Anyway, she went to the spot in the woods where she left her cloud, and was happy to see it right where she left it.

The girl plopped herself down on the cloud-chair, and opened Compy. She looked at what had been written, and gaped. How the heck had Lloyd found her cloud? "I guess leaving it in the middle of a well-known clearing was a bad idea…" Haley mumbled to herself. "Oh, well. I'll leave it, because it makes for a good story!" Haley grinned and went back to typing.

* * *

Sheena was pacing in her room. She had felt queasy all day. She still felt horrible about what had happened last week. (Come on, Sheena! Get over it!) But, she had to admit, Zelos _was_ good-looking… and it always felt like he cared about her when he talked to her, even though he was so _whatever_ about women, like they were toys. But she always felt a tiny spark when talking to him. Oh, Goddess… She was _falling_ for him!

* * *

Zelos was pacing in his room. He couldn't believe it. Sheena had chosen _him_ over Lloyd… But he really did care about her. Why didn't she see that? In fact, he might even love her.

Where did Lloyd come into play with all of this? Zelos didn't know, but he had a weird dream the day he had asked Lloyd out, a similar one to the gene-mutating one, but this time they were going back to their original places. When he woke up the next morning, he no longer was attracted to Lloyd. Zelos was still confused about what that stupid author was trying to do. "Ouch!" the red-head yelped, then rubbed his scarred back as Haley laughed. Another fire ball thrown at his back… Ugh.

* * *

Colette was scared. She had never been attracted to anyone but Lloyd, but now this random dude walks into her life and she was suddenly engrossed in him…

She thought all this while sitting on her bed that night, holding a frozen steak to her black eye. Brian had come up to her, wanting to play a game, so naturally she said yes. The game, Brian explained, was to stand on a log as long as possible. Naturally, she did it. Unfortunately, her klutzy nature kicked in at that precise moment, and Colette fell, ending up with a black eye.

Oh, Colette… Just pick someone already!!! Who will she end up with? Stay tuned!

* * *

I thank you, people who read this. I'm not sure why you do, but I'm happy about it. Also, I have another (corny) story up, called Switch. Read it! Or not. It's your choice. Anyways... Please review! Leave questions, comments, concerns, or juice boxes!


	6. TLoHFaBJB

**Chapter 6 – The Land of Happy Flowers and Bouncing Jelly Beans**

-----

Hey! I'm back! With an update! Yay! I probably won't be for a while, what with school and the (stupid) CRCT and the fact that I've only got the outline for Chapter Seven, the disclaimer, and one section written. Sorry, people who actually _like_ this story and my other story. WARNING: OOC Colette

Disclaimer: Lloyd does not get turned into a llama in this chapter.

------

Colette stood in front of her bedroom mirror. She had concocted a devious plan, and now she was surveying herself. Was she too fat? Too thin? Was her hair too long or too blond? Was she ugly? What was with this stupid outfit she seemed to have millions of copies of? She was going to have to go shopping soon. At any rate, she had to get out of this hideous dress. The blond searched her closet, and finally, in the very back, she found a pair of strange looking cotton pants and a nice shirt without sleeves that wrapped around her neck. The Chosen thanked Martel.

Haley sighed at how primitive the Symphonia characters were. Colette hadn't even heard of jeans or halter tops! So sad… Oh well. Anyway, she began putting them on, and Haley graciously turned her head. Lloyd was in for a surprise when he got to school. Now if he would only do something about all of that red he wore…

------

Lloyd was in his bed, looking at a picture of the girl he had a crush on. She was so pretty, with her straight blond hair and beautiful, thin figure. But it didn't matter. She was at the top of the High School Food Chain, and he was only barely known, and only as "that scary professor's son."

"I wish I could go out with her."

------

Colette looked great. She really did. Lloyd stood gaping at her as she attempted to walk without falling, Trying to look confident. But no one could pull off that look as well as Colette did. The swordsman ran up to her.

"Hey, Colette… Why the sudden change in wardrobe?" Lloyd asked, trying to not sound like a love-sick puppy, which he was not. Or so he says….

"Oh, this? I thought that my clothing choice lacked in the style department, so I jazzed it up a bit! You like?" Colette twirled, and the guys around her drooled. The janitor came and mopped up the pools of saliva left behind.

"Yeah, you look, um, great!" Lloyd said. Just then, Genis rounded the corner of the building, and stopped dead in his tracks when he saw the blond girl.

"Whoa… Holy Martel, who are _you_?" he asked.

"Genis?" Colette asked, confused. "What do you mean? It's me, silly!"

Genis stared. And stared. And stared some more, his mouth hanging open. Stupid guys. They are such Neanderthals. Not you male readers. YOU are cool.

"Neanderthal? What's that?" Lloyd and Colette asked at the same time.

"Ugh, never mind…" Haley facepalmed, and resumed typing. They needed more study time.

The trio walked down the hallway, laughing about nothing. Haley felt bad for Genis, though, because whenever he said anything that even remotely related to school, Lloyd and Colette got really confused, which resulted in him not saying much. Poor kid… Haley will comfort you, Genis! *winks flirtatiously*

They made it to math with only a few swooning guys stopping them to ask Colette out on a date. She turned them all down, saying she was waiting for someone special, or two someones. Both Genis and Lloyd had no idea who she was talking about, even though it was quite obvious.

------

"Class, take a seat," Ms. Hamilton called to the students filing in. It was early in the morning – a horrible time to be thinking, especially for Colette. She tried to work out the four math problems put up on the chalkboard, but couldn't quite remember how to multiply. Or divide, add, or subtract. The Journey of Regeneration made her forgetful, she guessed. Haley laughed at the clueless girl.

"Now," Ms. Hamilton droned in her boring teacher-voice, "What is the answer to the first problem, forty-eight times three?" Of course, Genis raised his hand, and someone (Haley) whispered "Nerd!"

When it was clear no one else was going to raise their hands, Ms. Hamilton called on the genius half-elf, who told the class the answer. Lloyd pretended like he had known it all along, while Colette furiously took notes on the problem.

Meanwhile, the guy next to her, Brian, was looking at Colette. She had definitely changed. She wasn't that wimpy dumb blond anymore. Now she was a _hot_ wimpy dumb blond. He was going to have to get to know her… *concocts not-so-brilliant plan*

Meanwhile, Colette was sitting at her desk, plotting revenge on the math teacher. First, she would cast Judgment, and then… well, that should pretty much take care of her. Yay! She finished her plan! She would show Ms. Hamilton not to make her think hard!

------

Since Haley couldn't care less about Regal, she decided to torture him.

Regal was in the Economics classroom, teaching boring students in his boring voice about boring stuff while boring thoughts swam through his mind. Haley flew in, and right before Regal could react, Haley zapped him. When the smoke cleared, he was gone.

-----

Kratos was obviously tortured. He had never sung a note in his life, and now, here he was, getting ready to learn show tunes.

"Ugh…" he groaned. Then he took his place by a nerd named… wait, what was his name? "What's your name?" Kratos asked.

"Nerd," the nerd answered. The author is _so_ original, isn't she?

So, anyway, Kratos took his place next to Nerd, and the teacher person walked to the front of the class. Kratos was VERY aware that he was the tallest (and most good-looking) person in the room.

"Ahem, class. We have a new student, uh, er… person… joining us today. What is your name?" the teacher person asked.

"Aurion. Kratos Aurion." (Sorry, lame James Bond joke.)

"Well, Mr. Aurion, let's get started." Teacher person tapped the music stand with his baton-thing, and the entire class (except Kratos) erupted in song.

"Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, ti, do!" the group sang. Kratos fought the urge to run away. He knew he couldn't, because Haley was watching. She was always watching him. _**ALWAYS**_. So instead of running, he joined the nerds (*1*) in singing the major scale. This was going to be a long year.

------

Brian had been staring at Colette all day. She was his new eye candy. Forget Sheena's breasts. And now, Brian had a plan to get Colette. *initiates Plan Stalker…*

Brian followed Colette everywhere except the bathroom that day. By the time the last bell rang, he knew her favorite color (blue), food (curry), animal (butterfly), fish (flounder), flower (rainbow), song (_If You're Happy And You Know It_), book (The Little Engine That Could), weapon (sword), drink (V8 juice), Desian (Magnius), evil overlord (Darth Vader), Summon Spirit (Gnome), and game (Tales of Phantasia) (*2*).

The next day, Brian wore blue, brought curry and V8 juice for lunch, read The Little Engine That Could during study hall, and put an "I 3 Magnius" button on his shirt. Colette was sure to notice him.

-----

Regal woke up. There was singing. It was annoying. He opened his eyes and saw the most horrible thing to ever burn an image into his brain. There were flowers, and they were dancing. A giant sun was singing "_C Is for Cookie_." The grass was bright green and there were Jelly Beans bouncing around in it. It was terrifying.

"Welcome to the Land of Happy Flowers and Bouncing Jelly Beans, Regal!" a flower chirped to him. Regal kicked it. (*3*)

What happened? How will he get out? The world may never know.

-----

Footnote-things:

*1* - When I say "nerds," I don't mean it as a mean term, because I am one of those nerds. And I am proud of it! Yay chorus peoples!

*2* - I chose "Tales of Phantasia" as Colette's favorite game solely because technically, that game _couldn't_ exist in Tales of Symphonia because it doesn't happen for another four thousand years. Tee hee!

*3* - I want to thank Alexis (moondolphin96), whom I thanked in a previous chapter and one of my bestest buddies, for giving me the idea for the torture that I would use on Regal. She helped with the name, also. (P.S. She told me she couldn't last ten minutes in the Land of Happy Flowers and Bouncing Jelly Beans. How long will Regal last?) Also, sorry for all you Regal fans out there, I just don't feel it. Sure, he's got abs, but if you think about it, he's kind of cheating off of Kratos. He killed his lover. So did Kratos. He's grieving. So is Kratos. And, in my somewhat-humble opinion, Kratos is _way_ hotter. No offense, Regal and fans. Sorry!

-----

With that settled, please review! Don't forget to leave suggestions for future chapters, 'cause I'm running out of ideas. Please and thank you!


	7. This Is Not A Chapter

**Chapter 7 – This Is Not A Chapter.**

* * *

Oh, my sweet Goddess Martel. An update?! Really?! Is that possible?! Yes! It is! I told you I wouldn't update very soon, but apparently I lied. I'm very proud of myself for working so diligently on this after midnight (and after my step-dad and mother told me to go to bed) and in Spanish class! Because of the CRCT, our Spanish class didn't do anything except work on a piece of paper which I finished the day before, so I had nothing to do. I wrote my story. And I finished it. Yay! It's actually _long_. Ish. That isn't a word, is it? Well, I just coined it. Add it to your dictionary! It means: somewhat. Anyway, there's a lot of randomness. Beware. But, really, that's just like all the other chapters… So here it is! Yay!

Disclaimer: This is not a chapter. It is a monument of Haley's awesomness.

Disclaimer #2: Haley does not own Avenue Q. If she did, that would be awesome. But she doesn't, so it isn't. I only claim the idea for the parody as my own. That's it. The twisted words. But my friend Rachel helped me come up with it, and so did Alexis… Alexis helps me a lot. Thank you Alexis! We three people claim the parody IDEA as our own. THAT IS IT.

Disclaimer #3: Hopefully you know by now, but I don't own Tales of Symphonia. I don't even own my pants! But, if I did own Tales of Symphonia, Haley and Kratos = Canon couple. Enough said.

Disclaimer #4: Fish.

* * *

Haley has decided on her Cloud's name! It shall be… Drumroll please…

I SAID DRUMROLL!

Ahem. It will be: El Tomate Picante. She thanks her Spanish class, her Spanish teacher, Mrs. Downs, and a Spanish restaurant project. El Tomate Picante is also the name of my restaurant. And for all you non-Spanish-speaking people, El Tomate Picante means: The Spicy Tomato.

* * *

Zelos was in his classroom, surrounded by his beautiful hunnies, when the intercom lady sounded.

"Professor Zelos?" the lady asked, "Can you come to the office for a moment? Someone left a package for you."

"Chocolate from one of my hunnies, I presume?" the perverted man guessed. Zelos rushed out of his classroom after telling his students to study on their own.

When he reached the front office, a small, brown box labeled "ZELOS" was waiting for him. It wasn't chocolate. He never saw the "Love, Haley" at the bottom.

"Ooh, goody!" Zelos cried as he snagged the box and brought it back to the female health room with him. "I wonder what it could be?" he said to himself as he sat down at his desk. He grabbed a knife and sliced open the box. Inside it was… A big red button. And, under it, it said:

DO NOT PUSH

Zelos was now curious. He pushed the button. The world exploded. The end.

…

…

…

…

…

…

No, not really. Instead, in place of the "DO NOT PUSH," new words popped up. They said:

I MEAN IT. DO NOT PUSH.

This was very addicting. He pushed it again. This time, the text was:

Come on, seriously!

Then:

You're mean.

I hate you.

Really, I do.

Go cry in a corner.

Or spontaneously combust.

You're not going to stop pushing the button, are you?

I didn't think so.

Because you're stubborn.

With a capital "L".

Another reason is that, right now, I am controlling you.

Zelos laughed. No one could control him! But he couldn't stop pressing that dang button.

That's right. Press it.

Again.

Another.

Muahahahaha!

Well, now I'm bored.

Stop.

Pressing.

The.

Button.

Are you deaf?

Blind?

Mute?

Dead?

You know, you're putting the world in danger.

This button could cause the world to implode.

You could've just done it then.

Seriously, the next time you press it, the world will implode.

He pressed it.

BOOM!

He giggled.

You're dead.

Was it worth it?

Now you're in Hell.

Because you killed everyone.

I hope you're happy.

He was.

You must be so sad.

I would consider suicide if I were you, but you can't.

Because you're DEAD.

I'm not, I'm just text.

Anyway…

I'm still bored. I will tell a story.

One day, I saw a creepy house.

I went inside.

There was a trunk by the door. I opened it.

ZZZ…

zzz…

ZzZz…

Zzznufgah! I'm awake!

So, I found this trunk.

Inside was… A big red button.

And it said:

DO NOT PUSH.

Zelos screamed. A very girlish, high-pitched scream. Also very dramatic. It never ended! His students looked at him like he was crazy. Which he was.

"Get back to studying!" he yelled. Then he went back to his button.

* * *

He was all alone. And it was dark. He was scared.

Haley floated high above him on El Tomate Picante, a fact unknown by him. It was time for some fun.

Genis was startled when the lights suddenly came on. He was even more startled when he saw what was in the room. Dolls. Thousands of them. And they were all staring at him.

"Evil dolls!" the mage shouted, and looked around for a door. He spotted one, by the desk, that led to the hallway. He ran to it, and pulled hard at the knob. It wouldn't open!

"Oh, Goddess…" Genis could feel his sanity slipping. All those cold, blank stares…

The young boy sat down in the middle of the room and rocked back and forth in very jerky motions. He barely heard the door open, but when it did, Genis saw the gym teacher come in.

"Genis," Mr. Reed said, "What are you doing in my office?"

"Uh… Well, bye!" Genis scurried out from under the arm of the teacher and out of the office.

Genis would _NEVER_ go into another teacher's office again.

* * *

Haley looked at the poor ToS characters. She wanted entertainment. Avenue Q music started playing. Then Haley sang:

"_What do you do  
With the ultimate power?  
Make fake people's lives a big mess._

_Seven chapters of annoying  
Their lives and destroying  
The last bits of sanity they have!"_

Haley started to ponder. What all had she done to those poor people? And what could she do next?

"_I've made someone gay and  
A fan club of Raine and  
The world is all mine to control!_

_But somehow I can't shake  
The feeling I should make  
One of them commit suicide!!!"_

Haley looked down to the ground and snapped her fingers, transforming the world into a momentary musical.

Lloyd was walking around when Colette saw him.

"Hi, Lloyd!" the girl said.

"Huh? Oh, hi, Colette." The swordsman did not look happy.

"What's wrong?" the Chosen asked innocently.

"Oh, it's just my life. It's not working out for me, y'know?"

"Oh."

"I mean, look at me! I'm stuck here in a dumb school, constantly tortured by a maniac! I always thought… no…" Lloyd looked away.

"What?" Colette _had_ to know now.

"No, it's stupid."

"Come on!" she urged.

"_When I was little,  
I thought I would be_,"

Lloyd began singing, to the tune of "It Sucks to Be Me."

"What?" Colette asked.

"_The greatest swordsman,  
And mercenary!  
But now I'm seventeen  
And as you can see, I'm not."_

"Nope," the girl chimed in.

"_Oh, well,_" Lloyd shrugged.

"_It sucks to be me!  
It sucks to be me!  
It sucks to be a stupid loser  
And illiterate… ee.  
It sucks to be me!"_

"You think _you're_ life sucks?" Colette looked at Lloyd in disbelief.

"I think so."

"Your life's not so bad." Colette joined the singing.

"_I'm kind of pretty,  
But not very smart."_

"You're not," Lloyd added.

"You're one to talk!

"_I like romantic things  
Like bombing Kvar!  
And as you know  
I have a gigantic heart!  
So why don't I have a boyfriend!  
Fudge!_

_It sucks to be me!  
It sucks to be me!"_

"And me! _It sucks to be Lloyd_ –"

"_And Colette_!"

"_To be 'n idiot_!"

"_To like no one I've met_!" Colette felt a little guilty for singing this lie.

"_It sucks to be me_!" they chorused. Suddenly, Raine and Genis came along, bickering to each other.

"You're not my mother, Raine!" Genis cried. Raine smacked him.

"Oh! Hey, Genis, Raine. Can you answer something for us?" Lloyd asked.

"Why, certainly," Raine said, ignoring Genis' cries of pain completely.

"Whose life sucks more, Lloyd's or mine?" Colette asked.

Raine and Genis looked over at each other for a brief moment before answering together: "Ours!"

"_We live together,  
But to you I must warn:" _Genis started.

"_We've not been good siblings  
Ever since Genis was born,"_ Raine picked up.

"_She knows so many ways  
To make me all torn,"_ Genis said as Raine hit him again,  
"_Oh! Everyday is an aggravation!"_

"_Talk about an exaggeration!" _Raine yelled. Lloyd and Colette quietly stood back while Raine and Genis fought.

"_You think you're smarter,  
You have to prove me wrong."_ That was Genis.

"_Oh, yeah?  
You're just so whiney,  
You bug me  
All day long!"_ Raine.

"_You make that house  
That doesn't exist we share  
A HELL!"_

"_So do you!  
That's why I'm in Hell too!"_

"_It sucks to be me!" _Genis started the round.

"No! _It sucks to be _me!_" _Raine joined in next.

"_It sucks to be me!" _Colette chirped.

"_It sucks to be me!" _Lloyd sang.

Then all at once: "_Is there anybody here it doesn't suck to be?"_

"Besides Haley?" Colette asked.

"Yes," Raine answered.

"_It sucks to be me."_

Then, Sheena came up to them. "Why are you all so happy?" she asked.

" 'Cause our lives suck!" Genis told the well-endowed woman.

"_Your_ lives suck? Am I hearing you correctly? HA!" She started to sing.

"_I'm tormented by a  
Strange person on a cloud.  
She makes me do all sorts of things  
That shouldn't be allowed!_

_But with hard work  
I might escape her horrible plan!  
But now I can't,  
'Cause now I am grieving,  
O'er the loss of my virginity,  
To the stupid pervert Zelos,  
And now I want to kill the author!"_

Sheena made ripping motions with her hands. Haley laughed. After fuming for a moment, Sheena picked right back up where she left off:

"_It suck to be me!  
It suck to be me!  
I say it  
__Suck-a-suck-a-suck-a-suck-a-  
Suck-a-suck-a-suck-a-suck-a-  
Suck-a-suck-a-suck-a-suck-a-  
SUCK!  
It suck to be me!"_

"Hey, random thought here," Lloyd said, "But does anyone know where Regal is?"

Genis thought for a minute. "Come to think of it, he left a few days ago without warning. Maybe Kratos knows. Yo! Kratos!"

Kratos rounded the corner. "I'm comin', I'm comin'!"

Kratos cleared his throat and used what he had learned from the glee club. *Haley squeals and almost dies. ALMOST.*

"_I'm Kratos Aurion,  
From the Ancient Kharlan War.  
I was admired by everyone,  
Of course!_

_And now I'm hurt,  
And raped a lot  
By an author  
On a cloud._

_But I'm here!  
The biology teacher!  
At Altamira High!"_

The other five thought this over, all thoughts of Regal forgotten. Then they said, "_It sucks to be you!"_

"You win!_"_ Colette said.

"_It sucks to be you!"_ everyone but Kratos chorused. Kratos glared at them.

"I feel better now!" Lloyd cried.

Then Kratos sang again while the fangirls squealed in delight.

"_Try being maimed  
For no reason then  
Being a sex toy!"_

"_It sucks to be you-oo-oo! On Avenue Q!" _they all sang.

"Huh?" Lloyd pondered.

"_Sucks to be me!  
On Avenue Q!"_

"Wait a second…" Lloyd gave the group a quizzical stare.

"_Sucks to be you!  
On Avenue Q!"_

"This isn't right…" The swordsman was really confused.

"_Sucks to be us!  
But not when we're together!  
We're together,  
Here, on Avenue Q!"_

"Wait!" Lloyd called.

"_We live on Avenue Q!"_

"No, we don't!" he yelled again. No one heard him.

"_Our friends do too!"_

"I don't even know where that is!" he tried again.

" '_Till our dreams come true!  
We live on Avenue Q."_

"No! Somebody listen to me!" Lloyd was frustrated now.

"_We live on Avenue Q."_

"Hellooo?!" Why weren't they listening?

"_We live on Avenue Q."_

"Kratos? Genis? Somebody?"

"_Welcome to Avenue –"_

"HEY!!!" Lloyd screamed. The group stopped singing and the music cut off.

"What?" Genis asked.

"We don't live on Avenue Q," Lloyd said. Finally, someone listened!

"… He's right." Raine furiously took notes on this strange phenomenon.

"Oops! Sorry!" Colette said.

"… I'm going now." Kratos had been mentally scarred for life. He officially hated singing. He walked slowly away from the group.

"See? I can be observant, sometimes, too!" Lloyd proudly exclaimed.

"… No, Lloyd. That's impossible. Good-bye." Raine left.

"Yeah, Lloyd, keep dreaming!" Genis said as he, too, walked off.

"H-hey!" Lloyd shouted.

Then Colette said, "Sorry, Lloyd. I agree with the Professor and Genis."

"You too?" Lloyd was sad now.

"Yeah… Well, bye!" the girl chirped as she skipped off.

"Kratos?" the red-wearing warrior called to his dad, hoping he would back him up.

"I agree with them also," Kratos shouted back.

Lloyd cried.

* * *

Yay! It's done! P.S. If you've never heard "It Sucks TO Be Me" by Avenue Q, LISTEN TO IT!!! And their other songs! I'm completely hooked! I want to see the musical, but I KNOW my mother would NEVER let me, and my dad lives in South Dakota so... Anyway, the songs are great! Especially the "ToS Style" ones found on Youtube!!! Just a heads up.

Anyways… Review! Please! With a capital "L"! Once again, I would like you to include in your reviews questions, comments, concerns, and PIE!!! Specifically, apple PIE!!!

Thanks!

I love you all!

Not in the perverted way!

AAAH!


	8. The Eighth Chapter

**Chapter 8: The Eighth Chapter**

* * *

Oh, my God. I'm sooooo sorry I haven't updated in such a long time. It's just that, well, at my school, there were finals, then the stupid EOCT for math, a school dance, an urge to write a different story… ah, excuses, excuses. What's more important is that I'm back! And _not_ dead! Yay! So, without further ado, here it is! Chapter eight!

P.S. I think I should clear this up before an angry mob forms and a pitchfork pierces my throat. I don't know what is wrong with me, but after a while I'm not that into writing some stories. So, if I don't update for a while, it's just because I can't think of anything to write, or I'm neglecting it. So, sorry in advance…

Disclaimer: I do not own Tales of Symphonia, giant catapults, beer (thank goodness), Doritos, Eminem or Yo Gabba Gabba! I also don't own Waffle House or Justin Bieber (also thank goodness), but those will not be in this story. Just thought you might like to know that I don't own them. Furthermore, Lloyd is not Slim Shady.

* * *

Haley was banging her head against Compy. Stupid writer's block. For a month, now, she had been sitting on El Tomate Picante, trying to find something interesting to write about. But all that had happened to the stupid Tales of Symphonia characters was… well, nothing. So, that meant Haley had to do something to them. But, what to do? There were endless possibilities, but most of them had fatal results… Hmmm… Haley sighed. What made a good story? Right now, on her cloud, there were marbles, a catapult (yes, it was possible to hold a giant catapult on a cloud… for Haley, at least), two boulders, and a case of beer. How could she use those against Lloyd and company? Well, beer could be very… interesting. A catapult… more possibilities. But how to use these things without killing them? It may not seem like it, but Haley really didn't want them to die, just torture them.

Then the idea struck her. She didn't know how she thought of this, she just did. A smile crept onto her face, and she chuckled slightly. She knew what to do now…

* * *

Lloyd was sitting on the front steps of Altamira High School, waiting for said school to open. Kratos had had to go in early to do some more cleaning. Genis' Explosion had _really_ destroyed the building. Lloyd shook his head. _Genis…_

He spotted something on the ground, hidden in the shadows of the staircase. It was a large box of bottles. Yay! Beer! He ran over to it and chugged the first bottle. It was yummy. He started on a second, but he never finished, because…

"Lloyd Irving-Aurion! What in the Goddess' name are you _doing_?" a male voice yelled. Lloyd's head whipped around, only to see Kratos coming down the front steps of the school. _Busted…_ "I can't believe you purposely violated the school's 'no alcohol' rule and brought an entire case of beer to school! Detention!"

"But, Dad–"

"No 'buts'! You disobeyed the school, so now you will pay the price!"

"I didn't bring –"

"No getting out of this one!" Kratos handed Lloyd a pink slip of paper. On it, in big, bold letters, it read "DETENTION". Lloyd sighed. He hadn't even brought in the stupid beer! He grumbled as he made his way down to the detention classroom.

Meanwhile, Kratos stood outside, eyeing the beer. It couldn't hurt to have just a few…

He took the contents of the box into his classroom and downed the entire thing while Haley laughed hysterically from above. _She _had put the case there, in a place where Lloyd would spot it. Hehehe…

* * *

Genis had gotten up extra-early for one reason and one reason alone: to walk Presea to school. He had been doing that for the past month-and-a-half, and their bond had grown substantially. So, as he walked to Ozette, he began thinking of things that could bring their relationship to the next level.

When he got to the small country village, he smelled smoke. It was coming from – OH, NO! It was coming from Presea's house! Genis sprinted to her dwelling, all the while gathering mana for Tidal Wave. Genis sent the giant pool of water hurling forward, but stopped dead in his tracks when he got to the bottom of the newly-repaired natural bridge that led to Presea's house. The house was not on fire. Instead, a large fire pit in the middle of the front lawn smoked as a result of Tidal Wave. Genis flushed when he saw Presea, drenched from the tip of her pink pigtails to her gray clogs. And the small girl had a furious look on her face.

"Genis…" she said menacingly. The boy's eyes grew wide with fear as Presea pulled out her giant axe. He turned to run, but the pink-haired girl caught his shirt. She yanked him back over to the pit, Genis kicking and trying desperately to free himself with no avail. Presea threw him down and glared at him. "You ruined my new dress!" she screeched, and Genis finally noticed the difference of her clothing. Presea had on a dark, gray-ish pink dress that matched both her hair and her shoes perfectly. It was slightly longer than her old one, and it gave a look of innocence to her, though she was anything but innocent right now.

"P-Presea, I-I'm sorry!" Genis stuttered frantically, trying to get her to empathize with him. "I-it was an accident! I swear! I thought your house was on fire!"

"Well, it wasn't, and now my brand-new dress is destroyed! And it's _all your fault!_" Genis felt a lurch of guilt in the pit of his stomach as Presea's eyes filled with tears. She looked so sad, and it _was_ all his fault. "Go away, Genis! I never want to see you again!" Presea cried, and Genis attempted to comfort her before Presea pulled out the axe and held it to him threateningly. He ran away, wiping tears from his eyes.

_Poor Genis…_ Haley thought while munching on Doritos. It wasn't _his_ fault that – well, actually, it was. Haley had absolutely no idea that that would happen. Which was really strange…

With that, Haley flew off to find better (and funnier) crap to put in the story.

* * *

Colette was skipping down the hallway, when she tripped and dropped her books. Naturally.

"Hey, let me help you with that," a kind voice said from beside her. She turned her head, only to see Brian. He wore a soft blue polo shirt with an "I 3 Magnius" button on it. Her favorite color, _and_ her favorite Desian leader! Colette grinned as Brian picked up her books, then helped her up.

"Thanks, Brian. Hmmm… Uh, Brian, I never got your last name. What is it?" she asked.

"I don't have one. It's too much of a hassle, so I dropped it."

"Oh. Okay!"

Brian shot a nervous look at the floor. "Um, Colette, some friends of mine are going to the pool later, and I was wondering if you, maybe, wanted to go…"

"Sure! It sounds like it will be fun!" Colette gave him a reassuring smile and her eyes lit up.

"Oh, well, um, bye, then…" Brian started down the hall. When he rounded the corner, he shouted "YES!"

* * *

Sheena was walking to the dreaded history class when she ran into a certain redhead pervert. Zelos' face contorted into a goofy grin and Sheena blushed fiercely.

"Oh, um, s-sorry, Z-Zelos…" Sheena said.

"Not a problem, my sweet hunny!" Zelos said.

Sheena smacked him.

"Ow! Don't get your panties in a bunch, Sheena! I just had something to ask you!"

"What?" the ninja asked skeptically.

"Oh! Right." Zelos fished in his pockets as Sheena got more and more edgy. "Ah, here it is!" Zelos kneeled, and held out a small felt box. "Sheena, darling. I've tried it before –"

"Twice."

"Okay, _twice_ before, but you know what they say! Third time's the charm! So, Sheena, will you marry me?" Zelos opened the box to reveal a giant glittering diamond ring.

"Zelos, it's beautiful! …What's wrong with it this time?" Sheena said as she inspected the ring.

"What? Nothing!" Zelos feigned a look of devastation.

"For some strange reason, I don't believe you..." Sheena said as she rolled her eyes.

"I'm serious!"

Sheena scrutinized the ring. What was wrong with it? Could it be Origin's Ring of the Pact again? But, no, it couldn't be. That ring was currently locked up, safe, at her house in Mizuho. Maybe it was the Sorcerer's - no, it was a diamond. So what cheap trick was Zelos pulling this time?

Then Sheena realized that there was nothing wrong with the ring, and that it was authentic. Oh, great. Now what could her reason be for turning him down?

She was nineteen, still just a girl. She couldn't marry Zelos! Could she? She'd already accepted that she had fallen for him, but that didn't mean she was fit to be a wife.

On the other hand, she did like him. And he did get a beautiful ring. So, how would she answer?

After thinking it over for another minute or so, Sheena decided on her answer and told Zelos. But she didn't tell the readers, just because she felt like making them wait.

* * *

"Class," an elderly woman that had inch-thick glasses perched on her nose announced in Lloyd's fourth period Japanese class. "I am Mrs. McCarthy, your substitute Japanese sensei. Mrs. Mizuno – er, Mizuno-san – had a slight accident with a pipe bomb yesterday, so I will be filling in for her."

Haley cringed back in fear from her former eighth grade language arts teacher and almost fell off El Tomate Picante. How did she get in _here_? Was that even possible? Well, Mr. Reed, the gym teacher, was apparently also in here (from chapter seven), so she guessed it was possible. But still… _Mrs. McCarthy_?

"She scares me…" Haley whispered. Mrs. McCarthy paid no attention to the girl floating on the cloud, which worked in Haley's favor. Instead, the teacher turned to the blackboard and wrote down three words in Romaji: "hai", "iie", and "arigatou".

The McCarthinator (her student-given nickname) turned to the class of bored students. "What do each of these words mean?" she asked. A girl with glasses raised her hand.

"'Hai' means 'yes'," she said.

"Very good. How about 'iie'?"

No one raised their hand this time, so Mrs. McCarthy scanned the classroom. She spotted a boy in the back. He wore a bright red jacket, and he was snoring softly.

"_Lloyd Irving_!" she yelled. She picked up an eraser and "throssed" it at him. The chalky eraser hit him on the dead center of his forehead, sending him toppling backward. He ended up on the floor.

"I'm up, I'm up!" Lloyd shouted from his place on the ground.

"Good. Now, what does 'iie' mean?" the teacher asked.

"Um… Hello?" Lloyd tried. Mrs. McCarthy only shook her head.

"No, Lloyd. Try again."

"Um… Good-bye?"

"No, Lloyd. Try again."

"Um… Thank you?"

"No, Lloyd. Try again."

"Um… You're welcome?"

"No, Lloyd. You're an imbecile. 'Iie' means 'no'. Now, go study that word, or, so help me, I will shove you down an alligator-infested well!"

Everyone blinked in astonishment. They hadn't expected _that_. It wasn't every day that a teacher threatened to throw you down a well…

"Um… Okay, then… Well, bye!" Haley said before ducking out of the room and down the hall to her personal office she "obtained" from the vice principal.

* * *

It was the end of school, though Lloyd was still there, trapped in detention. Stupid beer. Around him, girls with piercings and guys in black, studded leather jackets glared forebodingly at the teacher who was supervising the "bad seeds." The teacher was a pushover, persuaded into this because of his pushoverness, and a fire ball that was held to his throat. Haley wanted this to work exactly as planned.

"Hey, you," a boy whispered from behind Lloyd. Lloyd turned around.

"Me?" he whispered back.

"Yeah, you. Help get rid of this stupid teacher."

"Uh, okay. What do you want me to do?"

"Create a distraction," the boy said, then leaned back in his seat. A distraction, huh? How would he go about doing that? And how long of a distraction did that guy need? Hmmm…

Lloyd got up from the chair he sat in, grabbed a conveniently placed microphone, and started his distraction.

"_'Cause I'm Slim Shady, yes I'm the real Shady  
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating  
So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up,  
Please stand up, please stand up?  
'Cause I'm Slim Shady, yes I'm the real Shady  
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating  
So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up,  
Please stand up, please stand up?" _Lloyd sang. Rapped. Whichever.

The teacher eyed Lloyd curiously as the boy sat down. When he looked back for approval from the boy that sat behind him, there was no one there. Nor were there people at the two desks next to him. Lloyd shrugged. They probably just snuck out.

A few seconds later, however, a large cantaloupe smashed down on the teacher, knocking him unconscious. All of the students rose from their chairs and cheered for the two boys and one girl at the front of the room and – surprisingly – Lloyd as well. Lloyd beamed. He wasn't used to this much praise.

The boy from before came up to him and shook hands with Lloyd. "Thanks for helping, dude!" he said. "By the way, I'm Cole Turner. And these are my gang members, Gavin Coppola and Nicole Anderson. And, for helping us, we want to offer you a position in our group. So, how 'bout it?"

The three of them seemed nice enough, and they looked okay, but he had no idea what a gang was. But they couldn't be _that_ bad, could they? So Lloyd accepted the invitation.

_All according to plan…_ Haley thought evilly.

* * *

In the dark, empty halls of Altamira High, when all have gone home, a mysterious group comes out to play. On this particular night, though, Professor Sage had extra papers to grade. Little did she know what evil lurked the corridors.

"Doesn't anyone understand the history behind the Balacruf Mausoleum?" Raine said to herself. She was so absorbed in the poorly written essays that she didn't notice the oddly shaped shadows in the corner of the classroom. When it moved, however, and made a strange noise, Raine jumped and looked around frantically. "Who's there?" she asked, eyes wide with fear.

Suddenly, a fast-paced beat started playing. It was so… horrible!

"Hello, friends! Today, we're going to dance! So, everyone, get up! Come on! Because… It's time to dance!" a disembodied voice said happily. It seared Raine's brain and she fell to the floor, quite possibly having a seizure. A man came from out of the shadows. He wore an orange bodysuit that had white stripes reaching to a white belt that hung at his waist. He had an orange furry hat perched on his head, and he wore thick black-rimmed glasses. In his hand was a giant metal boom box with bright reds, greens, yellows, and blues on it. A wide smile sat, frozen, on his face. Behind him came five oversized stuffed animals. One looked like a neon yellow robot, one was a blue cat-type thing, one was a green striped furball, another was a fat pink… thing with a big pink flower on its head, and the last looked like an orange pickle with arms, legs, and one eye. They were hideous.

"Wh-who are you?" Raine asked, fear contorting her voice.

"We're the Yo Gabba Gabba team!" the orange person said. "I'm DJ Lance, and this is the rest of my crew!" He motioned to the strange characters. "And we like to have fun!"

They started singing and dancing. Raine was filled with horror, and she couldn't bear it any longer. She fled the room, leaving the forgotten compositions on her desk.

"What's her problem?" DJ Lance asked.

"She doesn't like fun!" the orange pickle shrugged. Then they went back to dancing.

* * *

Haley decided to check on Regal. She may not like Regal, but she still didn't want him to _die_. So she went to the Land of Happy Flowers and Bouncing Jelly Beans.

Once there, she scanned the region. Grassy hills lined the horizon, and cute little flowers of neon oranges, reds, pinks, and yellows danced playfully around giant trees that sang songs like "If You're Happy and You Know It," "The Happy Song," and "Happy Happy Joy Joy." They were so adorable! And not too far off from the flowers was a mound of candy. Haley's mouth watered as jelly beans, candy canes, and chocolate treats bounced around, humming happy tunes with each other. The entire place was just so… perfect. Except to certain dead-beat people, like Regal. Haley found said man away from the mountain, away from the flowers, away from it all, rocking back and forth in the fetal position. It was very funny.

"MUAHAHAHAHA!" Haley laughed as she floated over to Regal. "What are you doing, you boring weirdo?"

Regal muttered some incoherent words, then resumed rocking back and forth. Haley sighed, threw a fire ball at the man, which caused a girlish yelp to come from the ogre's throat, and laughed at him. After her giggle fest, she hauled Regal up from his spot and dragged him over to the candy hill.

"Eat," Haley ordered. Regal looked at her in confusion. "Do it. Eat. Now. Or you will die. _Do it!_" Hesitantly, Regal scooped up a small handful of chocolate and put it in his mouth. He smiled a tiny smile, and then picked up some more. Haley had done her job. Right now, Regal was super boring. But if he had enough candy, he would get a sugar high, and that would make him less boring! Therefore, "Operation: Get Regal High" was officially in action.

* * *

Once again, I apologize for not updating sooner… But, this chapter's longer! Over three thousand words! I worked really hard for the last day and a half, so I hope you liked it! And because school's out (finally), I'll be working on my stories a lot more! Don't forget to review, my loyal readers, and in your reviews, I would like suggestions for random stuff that I can do to the ToS people. It can be anything, really, I just need something to spark my imagination. Oh, and don't forget to put any questions, comments, or concerns you have! So, if you like this story and you want to see more if it, review!

And, for a final note: llamas spit frequently.

Bye!


	9. The Laugh

**Chapter 9: The Laugh**

Hi, y'all! Sorry it was so late _again_, but I've been up in the Dakotas, living it up on the…farms. I rode horses and drove like a maniac on four-wheelers and ate ice cream and visited my family! It was fun, but after three weeks in the middle of nowhere, I'm happy to get back to writing this story! I'm also sorry that I haven't updated frequently, like I'd predicted at the beginning of summer, but, unfortunately for you and sometimes even me, I have a life. Not much of one, but enough so that I can't write all the time. Of course, I would love to do just that, but I can't. So, in conclusion, I am sorry for my lack of updates.

In other news, I have something to say. Ahem. Ahem. Ahe-hack, hack, hack! Okay. Now, I check my story traffic periodically (no, I am _not_ obsessed… probably), and I find that I have a fair amount of viewers (to me at least). But, I only have, like, fourteen reviews for this story. So, I want to ask you readers if you would be so kind as to review. Please? With monkey-eating bananas on top? The reviews keep me alive and writing, so if you like it, review! Also, I'm kind of… *mumbles incoherently*

**Zelos:** What was that? I can't hear you!

**Me:** I'm… *more mumbling incoherently*

**Zelos:** Huh?

**Me:** I'm running out of ideas! There, are you happy?

**Zelos**: Yes.

**Me:** Why you little–!

**Zelos:** *runs away screaming*

So, yeah. The moral of this mess of jumbled confusion is: please review, and then everyone will be happy! And I'll even give you a cookie!

**Zelos:** That's bribery. You can't do that.

**Me:** GO AWAY! *smacks the pervert*

**Zelos:** EEP! Bye!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except a strong desire to punch a random person on the street just for the fun of it.

* * *

On a dark and stormy day, an evil creature shrouded in a slate-gray cape walked through the halls of Altamira High, determined to…what _did_ he want to do? Anyway, he made his way down the corridor. The students in the hall screamed as he went past, but he paid no attention to them and instead brushed them aside and into the principal's office. He opened the door, and Principal Dean gasped.

"Wh-what do you want from me?" he asked. The man glared at the principal.

"I've come for the girl," the mysterious man told Dean.

Dean put on a genuinely confused face. "What girl?"

The man shrugged. "I don't know; I just felt like saying it."

"Oh… So, what can I do for you, Mr…"

"Ka-Fai. Yuan Ka-Fai." After the words escaped his mouth, the birds that were chirping happily outside gasped and fell off the branches they were perched on. The nearby students twitched at the name, and then fled for the hills, screaming for their mommies. Dean gasped, his hair going shock-white, his face going pale. Yuan smirked.

"Wh-what do you want from me?" the principal asked, trembling.

"Oh, nothing much… Just a job," he said menacingly.

Again, Principal Dean's face grew confused. "What?"

"Well," Yuan said casually, "now that the worlds have been fused together, there's no work for the Renegades. That means I'm out of a job. And that's where you come in. Now, give me a job, or feel my wrath!"

"O-okay…" Dean said, his eyes wide with fear. "Ahem. What kind of job would you like?"

"Ah, so young and foolish to ask me such a question. I—obviously—want an authoritative, well-paying job… like a principal…" Yuan grinned evilly as he prepared his most lethal weapon—the power of clichés.

"Oh, dear Goddess! Nooooo!" Dean screamed as he cowered in fear, trying to hide from the angel.

"Oh, yes. It's not the ideal profession, but it will do." Yuan shot a stream of truisms at Dean, making said principal's ears bleed. Screams could have been heard from the halls, if there was anyone out there to hear anything. After binding the hands and feet of (former) Principal Dean, Yuan set him out to sea on a conveniently-placed raft. But don't worry. Haley visited him and it seems that he has made himself a fine home with the Katz in Katz Village.

Anyway, Yuan smiled as he sat down in the principal's chair that was now his. "All in a day's work."

* * *

"Red… No, maybe blue… Wait! Red _and_ blue! No… Hmmm…" Colette mumbled as she searched her closet for something acceptable to wear to the pool. It was so hard… Every outfit was the same style! How could she possibly choose? And where the heck were all the bathing suits? She sighed and pushed her way in farther. "I never knew there was this much space in this closet…" Eventually, Colette was in far enough that she could no longer see her closet door. It was dark, except for a shining light somewhere ahead of her. She walked toward it, growing more nervous every second. As she approached, she could make out a shape under the glow of the light. It was a bathing suit, unlike anything else she had. She put it on. It was simple, yet elegant, its color a plain black. It was a halter, and, she had to admit, it looked pretty good on her, even without a figure.

It was perfect.

She put it on, and then turned to go back to her bedroom, but frowned a little when she couldn't see the exit. She sighed, then walked in the direction she _hoped_ was right. It was pitch black in the room, so she couldn't tell where she was going until she saw a tiny glimmer of light in her line of vision. Yay! She found her door! She started running, and the light got bigger and bigger until she could make out the actual door. Unfortunately, she couldn't see through the white shaft of light because it was like the door that led to Mithos' mana-transfer-chamber-thing. So she just kept on walking and walking until she passed through the door and into a…meadow?

It was, in fact, a meadow filled with candy mountains and dancing trees.

"What the…?" Colette asked, confused beyond belief. But it did look kind of like her happy place, except for a certain blue-headed man curled up in the fetal position next to a tree that was singing "Be a Man" (from Mulan) to him. "Regal…?" she asked, even more confused.

"The voices…they're coming back…ARGH!" Regal muttered, but lifted his head to look around. When he spotted Colette, he let out a shocked gasp. "Colette?"

"So _that's_ where you went. We were wondering where you've been! But you've just been in my mind the whole time! Well, that's great news! I've got to tell the others! So, what have you been up to—Presea?" Colette had shifted her gaze to the left and saw the familiar girl walking across a licorice bridge, a fearful look plastered on her face. When Colette said her name, the girl spun her head in the blonde's direction.

"…Colette? You've been sent here, too?" she asked.

"What are you talking about, Presea? I'm just in my happy place, that's all! And look; it's Regal! Now we can have a party before Brian's party!" Colette clapped her hands together happily.

"Colette…we aren't in your 'happy place'. This is the Land of Happy Flowers and Bouncing Jelly Beans." Regal had stood up and walked over to Colette to try to reason with her.

"Yeah…like I said, it's my happy place: the Land of Happy Flowers and Bouncing Jelly Beans!" The teen grinned.

"You're messed up," Regal said to her.

"Yup!"

Regal shook his head. "Anyway… How did you get here, Presea?"

"Me? Well, Haley sent me here because I broke up with Genis. Apparently, this is punishment." Presea sighed. "I hate this place already. It's too…happy."

"Isn't it great?" Colette asked, still smiling.

"…Ignoring her…" Regal muttered.

"Oh! Would you look at the time! I've got to get going to the party! Bye, Regal! Bye, Presea! Have fun!" Colette turned on her heel and headed toward the door.

"Wait! Colette! NO—!" Regal shouted, but it was too late. Colette disappeared through the door, and the door disintegrated. Regal and Presea were trapped in the Land of Happy Flowers and Bouncing Jelly Beans.

* * *

Meanwhile, Colette had backtracked all the way to her room and out the door. Then she followed the MapQuest all the way to a large neighborhood called Black's Ranch. From there she made her way down the winding roads until she came to a red brick house on a hill. She trudged up the hill, which really wasn't too big, and rang the doorbell. A frizzy-haired girl answered.

"Can I help you?" she asked.

"Ah, yes. I'm Colette, I was invited by Brian." Colette smiled.

"Oh. Come on in, Colette. I'm Andie. You kind of look familiar—HOLY CRAP! You're Colette! Why are you standing at my door? What the heck is going on?" Andie spasmed. Then, as abruptly as it started, it stopped. "…Haley did this."

"What are you talking about?"

"Why you're standing in front of me. Haley did it." Andie sighed, shook her head, then moved out of the way of the door. Colette walked in with another smile and quickly found Brian amongst the party-goers. Meanwhile…

"HALEY!" Andie shouted at the sky. The girl floated down on El Tomate Picante and smiled sweetly.

"Yes? Can I help you?" she asked.

"Why the heck am I in this story?" she asked.

"Because you wanted to be."

"Oh, yeah. You could've at least _told_ me first, though." Andie crossed her arms.

"Yeah, I could've, but this was more funner!" Haley clapped her hands.

"More…funner?"

"Yes. You got a problem?" A fireball was conjured, and though Andie looked at it longingly (she's a self-admitted pyro), she backed away a little.

"No. I don't. Do you?" she said with a little shrug.

"No. Yay! We agree! Now, go! Party! Have some fun with the characters! …But not _that_ kind of fun!" Haley smiled and then decided to fly away. So she did, but not before shouting her signature laugh. "Muahahahahahahahahahaha!"

And Andie was left with a house full of teenagers in their bathing suits.

"Well. I guess I better get them to the pool, then."

And Andie did.

The End.

Not Really.

* * *

"AHH! THE HORROR!" a random girl screamed, just as Sheena rounded the corner. The random girl screamed and ran past her, her arms flailing. Sheena gave the girl a "WTF" look, and then proceeded down the hallway. This school was messed up. When she reached the end of the corridor, however, she found out why the random girl had screamed. Yggy (remember him?) was bending over a young girl, looking very evil. And he was laughing.

"Aha…hahaha…hehehehehe…hahahahahahack! Nyahahahah! Horfhorfchucklegiggle! Muahahahahaha!" Yggy's laugh sounded suspiciously like Yggdrasill's… It was creepy.

"Um… Yggy?" Sheena asked the boy weakly.

"What?" he snapped.

"What are you doing?" The girl who was lying on the ground, Sheena now noticed, had grape jelly smothered on her arm and a piece of white bread in her hand.

"I'm preparing a sandwich, what does it look like?" he said casually. Sheena's eyes bulged out of her head.

"SO now you're a stalker and a cannibal?" she accused. She pointed at him in her "Let's Go" pose, and Haley had to suppress a laugh.

"What? It's not stalking; it's running into another person in a pre-meditated fashion. And I'm not a cannibal; she just fell into me, got knocked unconscious, and made me drop my jar of jelly and bread." He looked longingly at the remains of his sandwich.

"Then… why were you laughing?" she asked, still suspicious.

"It was funny." He shrugged, and Sheena sighed.

"Your laugh is creepy, dude," she said. Yggy straightened up and put a look of shock on his face.

"No it's not! Well… okay, it is. But it's awesome!"

"No, it sounds like Yggdrasill's." Sheena gave him a pointed look.

"So? Hey, want to hear a joke?"

"That… was random. But, sure. Shoot."

"Okay. There was this dude in the woods and he was eating a sandwich."

"Are you obsessed with sandwiches?" Sheena interrupted.

"…Yes. So, this man was eating a sandwich, when suddenly, a bear came out of the trees!"

"And, let me guess. The bear ate the sandwich, and when the man got mad, the bear ate him, too." Sheena sighed.

"You know the joke?" Yggy said, confused.

"Mithos told it to us once." It was strange how alike Yggy and Mithos were, especially their warped sense of humor.

"So… isn't it funny?" Yggy asked hopefully. Truth be told, it wasn't funny… at all. In fact, the "why did the chicken cross the road?" joke was funnier. Apparently, the "clone" had the same sense of humor as the original. But little Yggy looked so hopeful that it was funny, and Sheena didn't have the heart to tell him that it sucked.

"Yes, it was very funny," Sheena said, hoping he bought her act.

"Yay! I knew I was funny!" he cried, attaching to Sheena. Sheena's eyes bulged and she looked down at him. What was he doing? She gently pried him off.

"Uh… I've got to go. So, uh, bye!" she said, then took off down the hall.

Meanwhile, Yggy started laughing again. "Muahahahahaha!"

* * *

Not sure what you just read? Well, I'm not sure what I just wrote, so we're on the same page. Which is good. I think. Anyway, review! Please? *bats eyes adorably*

P.S. With Yuan, if you didn't quite get it, I tried to put all sorts of clichéd lines in there, because it's weird and… remember that one time when he says, "So you've come, like moths to a flame"? Well, I decided to amplify that, and so he pretty much talks in clichés. Hehe. Just wanted to clear that up for you.

P.P.S. Why is there MapQuest in a place that doesn't even have internet? I don't know! But does it matter? At least Colette got to Andie's house all right! And that's all that matters, right? So, please just accept the plot hole…and no one gets hurt. Like Sheena. Or Regal. Yeah, Regal works. So, ignore the plot hole and Regal stays alive and not bleeding out of his vital organs. Okay? Okay.


	10. Spandex R Us

**Chapter 10: Spandex-R-Us**

* * *

And I'm back! I think I'm jinxing myself…in the good way, of course. Every time I think it will take a very long time to update this, it's posted within a week. By saying that, though, I probably just reversed the jinx. So please ignore that. At any rate, don't expect an update any time soon. And if you don't, you'll be that much more surprised when it is updated. I'm babbling. Sigh. Anyway, it's updated now, so enjoy…or else.

* * *

"Hey!"

Brian whipped around, trying to find the source of the angry voice. Storming toward him was a furious Lloyd. There were no others in the hall, except, of course, Haley, which meant that Lloyd was heading toward _him_. A little confused, Brian stopped walking to class.

"Can I help you, Lloyd?" he asked, and the swordsman's face contorted with rage.

"Can _you_ help _me_? You've done enough!" Lloyd curled his hands into a fist and swung. Brian narrowly dodged the punch, making Lloyd even angrier.

"Wh-what was _that_ for?" Brian practically yelled, and it echoed through the hallway, catching the attention of the students in their classes. Lloyd swung again, this time successfully hitting Brian's arm.

"That's for stealing my almost-girlfriend!" Lloyd shouted, and suddenly everything made sense.

"Wait a second!" Brian yelled, but Lloyd didn't stop. He just kept swinging, blinded by fury, and neither boy noticed the crowd that had gathered around them.

"Fight! Fight!" the crowd cheered, attracting the attention of one of the administrators, Dr. Poor. He rushed over, told a corny cow joke, and dragged the two struggling boys into his office.

"Explain yourselves," he demanded. Lloyd just huffed and turned to face the wall, leaving Brian to tell Dr. Poor about the fight.

"You see, Dr. Poor…Word just got out that Colette and I are dating," Brian started. "Lloyd heard and, seeing as they were childhood sweethearts, he was mad." The boy shrugged.

Dr. Poor looked bewildered. "You mean to tell me that this is all over a girl?" Lloyd and Brian nodded. "Good for you!" He patted the boys on their backs.

"Wh-what?" Brian asked, confused.

"Fighting over a girl! That's the best way to show affection!" Dr. Poor grinned, and when Lloyd figured out that he wasn't in trouble, he smiled, too.

"Thanks, Dr. P!" Lloyd said, and the administrator's smile fell off his face and his expression turned into that of anger.

"NO ONE calls me 'Dr. P'!" he raged. "DETENTION!"

"Aw, man…"

* * *

Genis was walking down the annoyingly crowded hallway when he heard his name. Stopping in his tracks, he turned around to see Lloyd and his gang stomping toward him. Oh, no. Ever since he had started hanging out with that band of delinquents, Lloyd had changed, and not for the better. In the past week, he and his friends had started three fights, sprayed the lockers with graffiti, and put soap in the fountain. Lloyd had also been ignoring Genis, unless it was to make fun of him. And unless he'd had a change of heart, this was one of those times.

"Genis!" one of Lloyd's friends, Gavin, called. And the humiliation begins…now.

"Guess what we found out!" Nicole said.

"That you're all idiots?" the half-elf replied sarcastically.

"Hey!" Cole shouted angrily.

"No, Genis. We did _not_ find out that we're idiots," Lloyd mumbled. The group was now standing in front of the mage.

"So you knew it all along?" Genis asked.

"Shut up!" Gavin roared. Genis shut up.

"Anyway," Lloyd continued, "we found out that a certain word rhymes with your name."

After pondering for a few seconds, Genis gasped and flushed a deep red. "I-it's not my fault!"

"What? That your name rhymes with it, or that you have a small one?" Cole sneered.

"Y-you!" You're so mean!" And Genis ran off, completely and absolutely humiliated.

* * *

"Okay!" Sheena said. Gathered around her were Colette, Kratos, Yggy, Zelos, and Raine. They were all going…shopping!

"Where are we going, again?" Raine asked cautiously.

"My favorite store!" Yggy squealed.

"Which is…?" Zelos asked, motioning for one of them to tell him where in the world they were going.

"A surprise," Kratos said without showing any emotion.

Raine sighed. "…All right."

"Yay!" Colette chirped. "Come on!"

TEN MINUTES LATER…

"Really?" Raine asked, unnerved by the store's name.

"What?" Sheena asked.

"Spandex-R-Us?" Zelos asked, praying that this was all a practical joke.

"Yeah…" Colette trailed.

"It's the only place you can go to find good spandex." Kratos crossed his arms. "Yggdrasill and I went here every year when he was alive."

"…" everyone dotted.

"What?" He liked the feel of spandex! Was that so wrong?

"…Anyway…let's go, everyone!" Colette said, and they charged into the building.

"Colette! Sheena! I found the leggings!" Yggy shouted to the two girls, and they headed in the direction of the aisle. Meanwhile, Kratos headed for the lane marked 'Matching Purple Sets'. Zelos and Raine stayed by the entrance, afraid of what lay before them.

"So…much…spandex…" Raine whimpered.

Zelos shrugged. "Want to try some on?"

"Wh-what?" she shrieked.

"Well, we're here. Why not? It looks like fun!"

He had a point. "I guess…"

"Great! Come on!" Zelos grabbed Raine's arm and dragged her to a random section. "Put this on!" he commanded, and then shoved her into a dressing room. He grabbed another outfit and went into a stall, too. No, it was not the same one Raine was in.

When the two were done, they walked out of the stalls and looked at each other. Then they gasped. They were wearing identical white bodysuits that looked exactly like Yggdrasill's. And if that wasn't enough, Zelos looked _good_ in it. Raine, however…looked like the Thing from the Black Lagoon.

"Raine…?" Zelos said nervously, trying to find a way to say that she looked horrible without her smacking him. She beat him to it.

"I know, I know…I look bad…" Raine mumbled glumly.

"'Bad' isn't the word for it."

Raine smacked him.

"SHUT UP!"

Then Raine went to change back into her clothes while Zelos secretly went to buy the Yggdrasill outfit.

* * *

Kratos sighed.

"What's wrong, Dad?" Lloyd asked. Lately, Kratos had been very sulky. Well, more than usual.

"It's just these modern times. Everything's changing."

"So you're brooding again?"

Kratos glared at his son. "Yes, I am brooding…again. You see, back when I was a boy—"

"Ugh, _really_, Dad? That's so cliché and _boring_!"

"…Shut up." And then Kratos started singing an old person song: "Back When" (by Tim McGraw).

"_Back when a hoe was a hoe,  
And coke was a coke,  
And crack's what you were doin'  
When you were crackin' jokes!_"

"Oh, Goddess, _NO_!" Lloyd screamed. Not only was Kratos reminiscing, but he was doing it in _song_!

"_Back when a screw was a screw,  
The wind was all that blew!  
And when you said 'I'm down with that,'  
Well, it meant you had the flu  
I miss back when!  
I miss back when!  
I miss back wheeeeeen!_"

Kratos finished singing and looked to Lloyd, who was now unconscious because of the song.

"…You're grounded."

* * *

Later, Andie wandered over to Lloyd and Kratos, who were training. Kratos knocked Lloyd unconscious, and then sheathed his sword.

"Hey, Krattie!" Andie called to the angel.

"What gives you the right to call me that?" he asked, clearly annoyed.

"I'm one of Haley's friends." She smirked.

"Oh…damn." That meant that he couldn't maim her for calling him 'Krattie'.

"Hey, wanna spar?" Andie asked randomly. Kratos noted how her hands were behind her back.

"Uh…sure." She was just a kid, so what could she possibly do?

"Okay!" Andie revealed a shiny new light saber, though Kratos had no idea what it was. She charged toward the man and swung, which Kratos blocked with his sword. Unfortunately, light sabers have the uncanny ability to cut through anything except other light sabers. This, too, was unknown to Kratos, and the saber sliced the sword in two.

"…"

"I win!" Andie chirped. She had a smug look on her face.

Kratos frowned. "You're buying me a new sword."

"Nope!" Then Andie skipped away, ignoring Kratos' death glare.

* * *

"Class," Coach Reed said, "We are going to start a new unit: sword fighting."

Everyone groaned…except Lloyd, whose eyes lit up as a big grin spread across his face. "Really?" he asked excitedly.

"Yes." And then Lloyd promptly jumped for joy.

"Yes! Maybe I _won't_ fail!

"Now, let's begin." Coach Reed began teaching everyone the basics of sword fighting, and then they attempted to actually do it.

"Tiger Blade! Sword Rain: Alpha! Demonic Circle! Demon Fang!" Lloyd shouted as he sparred with Nerd. Nerd cowered in fear and screamed like a girl as he got beaten up.

"Lloyd!" Coach Reed shouted, running over to the pair. "I can't believe it! You're amazing! You get an A!"

"Really?" Lloyd asked. At that moment, Kratos, Raine, and Genis ran into the gym.

"_You_ got an A, Lloyd?" Raine asked, her jaw reaching the floor.

"It's the apocalypse!" Genis shouted, a similar expression on his face.

"My son's _not_ a complete idiot!" Kratos cheered.

"Is it _that_ big of a deal?" Lloyd asked, a little annoyed at how they were treating his accomplishment.

"YES!" everyone in the gym shouted at him.

"Harsh…"

* * *

"Hey, Haley?" Lloyd asked.

"Yes, Lloyd?" Haley relied.

"Why am I in almost every single scene in this chapter?"

"Because I like picking on you," she replied nonchalantly.

"You're so mean!" And Lloyd ran away, crying for his daddy.

* * *

The real reason the Lloyd is in almost every single scene is because the only ideas I had included him. So there. Please review! Oh, and because I haven't done it for a long, long, long time…please include in your reviews questions, concerns, comments, bananas, and a story about evil emus, a llama without a name, and squash. I love you all!

Love,  
Doodlebugg


	11. A Day In the Life of Kratos

I'm back! Yay! And, I have something to say: school sucks. I've been so jam-packed with homework lately that I thought I was going to die! And it's only the third week of school! …I think.

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing. Which also sucks. Sigh.

Bye!

…Hey! That rhymes! Sigh, bye! Heehee!

…I'm going now.

**Chapter 11: A Day In the Life of Kratos**

"Kratos, please come to the office right away." Yuan's voice sounded over the intercom, and Kratos sighed. There really was no end in sight for his misfortune. After telling his students to behave, he walked down the corridor to the front office where Yuan had usurped the position of principal, winding through the hallways that had mocked him ever since he set foot in the school. A knock on the hard wooden door later, Kratos was seated in Yuan's office in a plush green chair.

"What do you want, Yuan?" Kratos asked, annoyance filling the space around him.

"Your permission to show this movie." He held up a box that contained a Disney movie. Though Kratos couldn't see it, a slight smirk was on Yuan's face as he presented the movie. Kratos' eyes widened as he realized what he was seeing, and then grew angry.

"You can't show that!" he shouted, trying to grab the movie from the "principal's" hand.

"It's either this or _Attack of the Killer Tomatoes_," Yuan said simply. Kratos' face contorted with horror, and then slumped over in defeat.

"…Fine," he said glumly. Yuan smirked.

"Sounds like a plan, then," the blunette said.

As Kratos went back to his classroom, Yuan's voice rang through the halls yet again. "All students and teachers, please make your way to the auditorium for a special viewing of a special movie." _Damn Yuan…_ Kratos thought as he turned around and went to the theater.

As he sat down, annoying pests swarmed around him. Said pests were named: Raine, Lloyd, Colette, and Zelos.

"Hey, Dad!" Lloyd said as the four sat down next to him. Meanwhile, Kratos was wondering why he still wanted to live. Then Yuan walked out on the stage. A giant screen was draped behind him, mocking Kratos.

"Hello, students and teachers. We have a very _special_ performance for you today. Please direct your attention to the screen, and the movie will begin momentarily." Then Yuan walked off the stage and found Kratos. He sat down next to him, as well. This was torture.

The lights dimmed and the movie began. Two lions were on the screen, and the older one was singing to the little cub. Yuan was laughing hysterically while the others around him were staring at Kratos with similar looks of confusion.

"Uh…Kratos?" Colette asked.

"Why does this 'Simba' guy sound like you?" Zelos asked.

"Well, a few years ago, I…I voice acted for him," Kratos sighed.

"But you sound so _happy_! You're supposed to be all stoic and emo!" Lloyd cried.

"Don't remind me…" Kratos put his head in his hand.

Suddenly, Zelos and Lloyd joined Yuan in hysterical laughter. "That's just _too_ funny!" they cried.

Kratos twitched.

"I think it's pretty good," Raine said as she scooted closer to the spandex-wearing man. Oh, Goddess, not this again. Wasn't it enough punishment that he had to put up with a mentally-retarded son and an insane kid on a cloud that enjoyed seeing him suffer? Now he had to act like he liked this crazy woman? Why was the world against him?

A few minutes after pushing Raine away from him, Kratos couldn't control his impulses and began to sing along. This earned him horrified stares from his son and his other stalkers.

"…What?" he asked.

"Dude, you're a freak of nature," Zelos said before getting up and walking away.

"Hey!" Kratos shouted.

"I agree, Dad. You're pretty weird." Lloyd followed Zelos out of the auditorium.

"I hate my life."

"You should," Yuan said before leaving as well.

Kratos twitched.

* * *

Lunch time.

The time that everyone looks forward to. Except a certain stoic man that hates everything. Said man was seated at the Teachers' Table, eating his ham and cheese sandwich silently. Zelos found him and plopped down next to him. Again.

"Hey, buddy!" Zelos said happily. The red-head put a tray of spaghetti and meatballs on the table.

"I am not your 'buddy'," Kratos hissed.

"Sure you are! Because Lloyd's already my bud, so you've got to be my bud_dy_!"

Kratos twitched.

Zelos looked at his meal and began giggling.

"What's so funny?" Kratos asked. Two seconds later, he wished he hadn't.

"I have spaghetti and meat_balls_. Meatballs! Ha!"

Kratos facepalmed. "You're such a pervert."

"Yeah, I know. And it's _awesome_!"

Kratos facepalmed again.

Then Lloyd found them. Why was the world so adamant on making Kratos go insane? "Hey, Dad!" Lloyd called as he ran over to the Teachers' Table. He sat down next to them.

"Uh, Lloyd, you aren't allowed to sit here," Kratos explained.

"Oh, well!" Lloyd smiled. Then Lloyd looked at his food and began to giggle as well.

"What now?" Kratos asked, annoyed.

"Mr. Lettuce Face!" Lloyd giggled.

"…What?" Kratos asked, hopelessly confused.

"See?" Lloyd pointed to a piece of lettuce that had two onion rings placed on top and a French Fry under it. It resembled a smiley face, and Kratos once again cursed himself for dropping Lloyd those few hundred times when he was first born.

"Lloyd…" Kratos mumbled.

"Oh, my Goddess. That is the coolest thing I've ever seen!" Zelos praised. "You're a genius, Bud!" Zelos walked over to the swordsman and gave him a hug.

"Professor Zelos is a faggot!" a random person called, and the two men broke apart.

And then Raine walked over.

On her tray was a large tomato sandwich. Joy. Lloyd twitched, following Kratos' example from earlier.

"Die, evil tomato!" Lloyd shouted, and then proceeded to stab, rip, and maim said tomato. Kratos didn't help; he was too busy cowering in a corner.

"Babies," Zelos and Raine said before walking off.

* * *

"Aw, what's wrong, Kratos?" Yuan said. School had finally let out, and Yuan had found Kratos sulking in the halls. Obviously, it had been a bad day. No thanks to Yuan, of course.

"Go away, Yuan. I'm in a bad mood," Kratos mumbled.

"Is there any other mood for you? Anyway, I know the perfect way to cheer you up. Come on!" Yuan grabbed Kratos' arm.

"Yuan…we are _not_ repeating that one night…you know, when we…"

"I'm not talking about that. Now, come on!" Yuan pulled Kratos out of the school and to the local bar.

"Yuan…you know what happens when I get drunk!" Kratos cried.

"Then don't get drunk. Come on, I've been trying to come here all week, but I haven't found an appropriate time to do so. Let's go in!" Then, without giving him a chance to say no, Yuan dragged the stoic angel into the bar. They found a seat and ordered a round.

ONE HOUR LATER…

"Oh, Goddess, Yuan, remember that one time we TP'ed that old man's house? That was soooooo funny!"

"I know, right? And that other time, when we put the Whoopee Cushion under Mithos' throne? He got soooooo mad!"

"We had the bestest times ever, right, Yuan?"

"Yeah, we sure did, Krattie!"

"Hey, want another?"

"Sure! Bartender! Another Corona! My buddy and me want more!"

Ah, the wonders of drunk men. Stupid, yet hilariously funny. Let us point and laugh. Anyway, Kratos and Yuan were—you guessed it—drunk, and were, obviously, getting even drunker by the minute. It was time for Haley to step in.

"Hey, Kratos, Yuan," Haley said sweetly as she gently pried the glasses of beer from their hands. "Let's go get something to eat. There's a great diner down town. You can even ride on my cloud!"

The two angels looked at each other, contemplated for a moment, and then nodded eagerly, like two little boys. And so Haley helped the drunken fools onto El Tomate Picante and they took off down the street to the diner named "Blah-Blah Diner Place". Another example of the author's amazing creativity. Once inside, the men fell off the cloud. Or they were pushed, same difference.

"Hi, I'd like a hamburger and fries, extra ketchup," Haley stated to the waitress, and then looked up to see Andie. "Andie?" Haley asked, disbelief on her face.

"What? Apparently, staying in this story isn't free. I needed a job." Andie crossed her arms, and Haley rolled her eyes.

"Whatever. I still want the hamburger. And get the loons whatever they want, too. Please." Haley pointed to Kratos and Yuan, who were currently singing "The Tomato Song" at the top of their lungs and dancing, too. Haley facepalmed.

"'Kay. What do you want, Kratos, Yuan?" Andie asked them.

Kratos looked at her and stopped dancing immediately. His mouth flew open, and his eyes widened.

"…Anna?" Kratos asked. The people in the diner who had been trying so hard to ignore the Seraphim whirled around to face Kratos, who was walking toward Andie with uncertainty.

"Huh?" Andie asked, unnerved.

"Anna!" Kratos cried, and then rushed up to the curly-haired girl.

"Help! I'm being molested by a four-thousand-year-old freak!" Andie yelled.

"But he's a _hot_ four-thousand-year-old freak," Haley said simply, barely paying attention to the strange scenario that was happening in the middle of the diner.

"…True…" Andie said. "But it's still weird! Help!"

"Okay, fine…" Haley sighed. She ran over to the two and yanked Kratos off of her, then threw a fireball at him. Wow, that hasn't been used in a while…

"Ouchy!" Kratos screeched as he danced around, trying to put out the fire that had started on his spandex.

"Are you okay, Andie?" the sadist said, completely ignoring Kratos' pain.

"Yeah. But…that was weird." Andie shuddered.

"Yes. Yes it was. But it was a little funny, you've got to admit."

"…Yeah, it was."

"I'm bored now," Haley whined.

"So…shoot Yuan with your fireballs and watch both of them dance around!" Andie suggested.

"Okay!" Then Haley did so. Watching the men jump around the diner, trying to put the fire out, was extremely funny.

"Shall we laugh…together?" Haley asked. Andie gaped.

"But that's your thing!" she said.

"But you came up with the idea," Haley shrugged.

"Oh. Okay!"

And then maniacal laughter filled the room, coming from the two underage girls.

"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

* * *

The last part was brought to you by Andie's twisted dreams. It was weird, and so I decided to put it in here! Yay!

That's it. I'm done for now. Stop reading now. I mean it. If you read one more word, your computer will explode.

Bye.

BOOM!

Haha! I told you so!

…Bye.


	12. Abuse

I'M BAAAAAAAAACK! *creepy lightning flashes; scary organ music plays*

…Heh…heheh…hehehehehehe…I can't wait for you people to read this. Though, I'm really, REALLY surprised no one—absolutely no one—commented on this. And it happened—what? Like, six chapters ago? Geez…

Oh, well! Now all of your nonexistent questions will be answered! Ta-da!

Bye-ni!

Disclaimer: I own nothing except a pretty pink calculator!

* * *

**Chapter Twelve: Abuse**

_Before current events…_

"Uh…uh…Z-Zelos…I don't…know what to say…but…um…yes…?"

Zelos' eyes immediately lit up at the word. She answered. And she said yes! Was he dreaming? No…he wasn't. He was standing there, wide awake, as the voluptuous Sheena Fujibayashi answered his prayers. As he slipped the ring onto her slender finger, she flushed a deep—but positively adorable—red, and he knew he won. She was the most beautiful person in the world, and he had finally got her to say yes…

_Present day…_

"Oh, Sheena! You look beautiful!" Colette gushed. Sheena did, indeed, look beautiful. The ninja wore her hair in a bun, and a lavender sash adorned her long, flowing white wedding gown. She flushed for what felt like the thousandth time that day. She'd been the center of attention for the entire day. Well, she guessed that was to be expected—she _was_ getting married today.

"Th-thanks…" she mumbled as Raine entered the room. The two girls were the bridesmaids, naturally.

"You look amazing, Sheena," Raine said cheerfully.

After receiving tons of compliments, the three headed from the room and waited for their cue to begin the ceremony. At the sound of the giant organ resonating through the chapel, the doors swung open, and Sheena began walking down the aisle.

She reached Zelos, and the current pope, Yggy, said a bunch of words before getting to the stuff the people actually listen to.

"Do you, Zelos Wilder, take this woman to be your wife?" Yggy asked the red-head.

"Yeah! Of course—I mean, I do," he said. A few people in the audience facepalmed.

"And do you, Sheena Fujibayashi, take this man to be your husband?"

"Uh…I do…" Again, she blushed.

Zelos leaned into the pope and whispered a question. "So when can I find out her real name?" Unfortunately, Sheena heard this, and twitched.

Suddenly, she turned into what can only be described as a Violent Demonic Banshee. "Zelos…" she said, trying to keep herself from killing the man right there.

"Yes, my voluptuous hunny?" he responded nonchalantly as he turned around. When he saw her, however, he shrank back in fear.

"You asked me to marry you, set the chapel up, bought a ring, asked Yggy to marry us, and proposed to me _just_ so you could know my real name?" she fumed, and Zelos could almost see the flames erupting in her eyes.

"W-well…" he murmured.

"**IDIOT CHOSEN!**" she screamed as she proceeded to hurt him in every way possible. "Pyre Seal! Cyclone Seal! Come, Efreet! And Origin! And Maxwell! And Volt! DIE!"

All that was left of Zelos was a twitching body, half-dead. Sheena, satisfied, kicked him for good measure and then left with everyone, all talking about how Yggdrasill was "totally and completely, one hundred percent gay."

* * *

Raine was exploring the nearby ruins the next day. She crept down the cold stone steps and walked up to the glorious artifact she had come to find. With a manic grin, she picked up the legendary, priceless object she'd been searching for. The magic lamp.

"Muahahahahahahaha!" she laughed, inching closer to the golden artifact. She felt the smooth surface. Behind her, Genis, Colette, and Zelos looked on nervously. Perhaps she rubbed it too hard, but suddenly, the lamp started glowing and a puff of purple smoke came out. Following the smoke was a young girl with sandy blond hair. She had a bright grin on her face, and her shirt had a smiling dinosaur on it, saying "Rawr!" Genis and Colette gasped, Raines' eyes lit up, and Zelos looked surprised.

Then the girl spoke. "Hey! I'm a genie! Well, I'm actually Daria, but right now, I'm a genie!" She spoke with a happy, sing-song tone and her smile never left her face. "Now you have three wishes!"

"Really?" both Colette and Genis said. _Three_ wishes? This was _so_ cool!

"I'll go first," Zelos boldly declared as he stepped forward.

"AAAH! ZELOS!" Daria the genie squealed before regaining her composure. "Uh—I mean…what is your wish?"

"Uh…I wish to know Sheena's name."

"Oh, that's easy. Her name's Sheena!" Daria chirped.

"But—"

"Wish number one is now gone! Only two left!" Daria smiled a sweet—and malicious—smile.

Raine smacked the ex-Chosen and he gripped his head, mumbling apologies.

"Colette, what do you wish for?" Genis asked the girl.

"Um…I wish for ten thousand doggies!" she said happily. Daria facepalmed, murmuring something about a dumb blond, and granted her wish. Suddenly, ten thousand dogs filled the cave.

"Colette…" Genis sighed. The girl wasn't listening, however, as she was so overcome with pleasure that she couldn't hear anything in the cave. She just pet the dogs, lost in her own world of happiness, blind to anything else.

"YEEEEEEE! DOGGIES!" she screeched.

The others tried to ignore the ecstatic girl and tried to listen to Daria. "…Okay…only one more wish."

"I wish…" Raine started. Genis protested, but his sister silenced him by pushing him down. "I wish for an army of _pickles_!" she laughed maniacally.

"…Pickles?" Daria asked incredulously.

"YES! I will rule the world! Muahahahahahaha!"

"…Okay, then…" Daria summoned the pickles and then she disappeared.

"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Raine 'muahaha'd. Everyone present inched away from the insane teacher.

* * *

Genis was randomly sitting at his desk thirty minutes before class started when a strange girl popped up from nowhere.

"Hi!" she chirped.

Genis fell out of his chair. He was _not_ expecting that. "Who are you?" he asked.

The girl smirked and calmly stated, "I'm your new stalker."

"Wh-what?" Genis shrieked. "Stalker?"

"Yup. Oh, and by the way, I'm Alexis," Alexis said.

Genis twitched. "Great. So it's not enough that Presea hates me, I'm being constantly tortured by an insane girl on a cloud, and I'm abused by my sister. _No_, now I need a stalker." The boy sighed.

"Yup!" Alexis smiled. Then Genis promptly headdesked.

* * *

Raine was sitting at her desk, plotting world domination.

"Mrs. Raine, ma'am…" one of her pickle minions said as it brought her some water. How? No one knows.

"Thanks. Hmmm…I haven't abused anyone today…go find Lloyd," Raine snapped. The pickle bowed and left the room. Five minutes later, Lloyd appeared, stroking the pickle lovingly.

"What are you doing with my pickle?" Raine demanded.

"Lloydie likey…" the boy cooed. Raine walked up to him and kicked him in the shins. "Ow! Professor, what'd you do that for?"

"For being an idiot! "Lloydie" and "likey" are not words! Correct yourself! Also, never use third person when referring to yourself!" Raine kicked him again.

"Okay! Geez…_I like it_. Happy, now?" Lloyd bent down and rubbed his throbbing leg.

"Yes." Raine left the room, content with today's beating.

"She's insane…well, now that we're alone…" Lloyd picked up the pickle and began to caress it.

"Help! Mrs. Raine! _Heeeelp meeee_!" the pickle screamed while trying to get away from Lloyd.

Lloyd's so unloved.

* * *

"So, what're you doing now?"

"My homework."

How about now?"

"My homework."

"And now?"

Shut up, Alexis."

"No! You can't tell me what to do! I'm one of Haley's friends!" Alexis laughed maniacally.

Genis sighed. This girl was so annoying! And he'd only known her for five minutes! She wouldn't leave him alone, and she kept asking what he was doing. Gah! Couldn't he just have some peace and quiet? He really needed to study. Ever since coming to this school, his grades had dropped from an A to an A-. He needed to bring his grade back up! And Haley's insane friends were _not_ helping.

"I hate my life…" he sighed.

"You do? Good." Alexis beamed.

"Why me?" Genis called to no one in particular.

"You know," Alexis said, going into one of her nerd-rants, "You're not the only one being tortured. This story is completely based on torturing the characters in this game."

"…Game?" Genis asked.

"Oh, you didn't know? Oops." Alexis shrugged. "Yeah, you're just a character in a game. And not even the main character, at that. You're the wimpy yet loyal support person. Haha!" she mocked.

Genis glared. How dare she say that he was wimpy? Wait—should he really be mad at _her_? No, it would be better to be mad at his 'creators'. "Who created this game?" he asked.

"Namco."

"Excellent…" he said creepily. A scary organ played in the background. "Muahahahaha!" he laughed.

Alexis' face could only be described as "WTF?"

Genis noticed this and coughed. "Ahem…sorry. I get it from Raine…"

This effectively scared Alexis away. Genis punched the air and whooped. Then he went to go punish Namco for making him wimpy.

He didn't get very far, though, because his wimpy legs made him trip and he fell to the ground, cursing said legs.

* * *

"_Waka Laka's a thing to play forever,  
Just to be together!  
Waka Laka's so magical and tender!  
Waka Laka love and fantasy!_"

Regal turned to Presea. "They're getting very good at this, don't you think?"

"Yes," the girl responded. The two had been training the inhabitants of the Land of Happy Flowers and Bouncing Jelly Beans because the flowers and jelly beans wouldn't stop singing annoying songs like "If You're Happy and You Know It". And they were tired of hearing it.

"Alright, flowers. Begin your next song," Regal commanded, and they began singing.

"_Stop my breathing and slit my throat;  
I must be emo!  
I don't jump around when I go to shows;  
I must be emo!_"

"Very good," Presea said when they finished.

"All hail Queen Presea! All hail King Regal!" the citizens shouted. The two humans had also taken over the land after getting an immense sugar-high. Though they didn't remember it, they had brainwashed the flowers and candy things into worshipping them. Well, they weren't complaining.

"What shall we make them do next, 'Queen' Presea?" Regal asked.

"Hmmm…" Presea thought. "How about making them find a way out of here?"

"I was actually thinking about making them break-dance, but I like your idea better." Then he ordered his followers to find a way out of this strange place.

* * *

I guess I'm done. I didn't have much inspiration after the first two scenes, though, so it took longer, and the scenes after were pretty short. Sorry! I'll try to make them longer next chapter. But for now, I guess you'll just have to deal. Please don't throw virtual tomatoes at me, and I'll give you a virtual cookie in return! Also, I thought that maybe you readers out there would like an update on how Regal and Presea were faring. They're doing pretty good, from what I see. Please review! Because I love me them reviews! Bye!


	13. Ghouls, Ghosts, Goblins, and Kratos

Good evening! This is my Halloween treat to you all—a special Halloween chapter! Woo! I _was_ going to make a completely different fic set aside just for holidays, but I figured that I'd just do some random chapter in this story this year! Because I'm too busy to write a fic! Yay! So, anyway, please read this, as it will be the last update I will give for a long time. I'm doing NaNoWriMo! I just hope that I can actually finish, though…because I've never finished a story. If I actually _do_ finish the one I'm planning to do, though, I'll let you know! Wish me luck! (I'm going to need it…)

**Chapter Thirteen: Ghouls, Ghosts, Goblins, and Kratos**

It was a dark and stormy night—

_No, that's not it…_

The forest was dim and eerie—

_Not that either…_

The lingering sense of an enigma loomed over the group—

_You know what? Screw it._

Altamira High gave students a few days off during the holidays to celebrate Halloween. All of Altamira was filled with students running around in costumes, trying to scare one another. Of course, the Regeneration Group didn't have time for silly games. Instead of pulling pranks, they were planning a party.

And thus, the story begins…

* * *

"Colette! Stop him!" Lloyd shouted to the blonde angel. Colette responded with a salute, opened her wings, and fled out of the door, in hot pursuit of her prey. With a determined look on her face, she flapped her wings harder, trying to catch up with the angel just a few feet ahead of her. Slowly but surely, she caught up to him and reached out to grab his foot. She pulled him closer and wrapped her arms around him, forcing him to stop flying.

"Gotcha!" she giggled.

"Chosen, release me," Kratos snarled.

"I'm not the Chosen anymore, silly!" She smiled and began pulling him back toward Zelos' mansion, where the other members of the group were waiting patiently. "Now, come on! We've got to get you fitted!"

"I do not _want_ to be fitted." Kratos shot a glare at no one in particular, eating his own words and blaming his fate for this miserable experience.

"Too bad!" Colette and Kratos had reached the mansion, and the girl set Kratos down. He glowered at her, making her cringe, but she fought its effects and did not curl up into a fetal position, crying.

"Yay! Colette! You got him!" Lloyd said cheerfully as he walked into the foyer. "Good job!" Colette beamed. Then he, Zelos, and Sheena all dragged the elder man away.

"I will kill you all—!"

"Stop stealing Mithos' lines, Dad!" Lloyd cut in.

A few minutes and many curses later, Kratos walked back out into the main hall, donning a—

"Uh, Mr. Kratos, what are you supposed to be?" Colette inquired.

"I'm, uh…Mithos…" he responded quietly. He was currently wearing white one-piece spandex, and on his head was a blond, waist-length wig.

"You owe me a hundred Gald, Lloyd!" Zelos snorted. "I was right! Mithos' outfit can make _anyone_ look gay!" Kratos glared at the former Chosen, who was too busy laughing to care. Meanwhile, Lloyd was grumbling something while fishing inside his pocket and then retreating with ten silver coins.

"Here's your stupid Gald," Lloyd said, a hint of malice in his voice. Inside his head, he was plotting Zelos' demise. _Let's see…I'll need a roll of toilet paper, two pots of melted caramel, a chicken, and Sheena…_

"It looks good on you," Sheena assured, though she would have sounded a lot mot encouraging had she not been laughing hysterically.

"…I'm going to go change." Kratos turned to go back to the changing room, but he stopped when hysterical laughter filled the room. Slowly, the stoic man turned around, not wanting to see whom the voice belonged to.

Yuan stood in the doorway, having just come in. He was leaning against the door for support so that he wouldn't fall down from laughing so hard. When Yuan noticed Kratos, he only laughed harder.

"Kratos! You look so…so…" He couldn't finish his thought because he soon began choking on his cackles.

Zelos looked at Lloyd. Lloyd looked back at Zelos. Then a malicious grin spread across both of their faces, and Zelos spoke up. "Hey, Yuan. Why don't you follow me into this room over here? I have a special…surprise for you." Yuan was too busy laughing to notice the knowing smirks on Lloyd's and Zelos' faces, so he willingly went with them…into the dressing room.

A minute later, screams were heard from the room, belonging to the blue-haired seraph. After a while, Lloyd and Zelos emerged from the room, smiling widely.

"Come on out, Yuan!" Lloyd called.

"No."

"Yes! Come on, Yuan; we want to see you!" Zelos yelled.

"…I hate you all," Yuan said as the door opened and Yuan stepped out, donning a pink ballerina costume. The bright colors of the vivid tutu contrasted sharply with the deep scowl on his face.

Naturally, everyone started laughing.

"I'm going to go change." Yuan turned back to go into the room where his clothes lay, but Sheena stopped him.

"Aw, you have to go so soon? Can't you stay? Maybe dance a little for us?" she said between chuckles. Yuan only intensified his glare and left the room.

"Darn, I was actually hoping he'd stay," Genis mused. "Oh! I have to go put on my costume! Bye, everyone! See you tonight!" He left Zelos' house, and everyone else sat around quietly, waiting for Yuan to come back out.

His voice sounded a lot happier when he spoke again. "I have found the perfect costume. I'm coming out now!" Yuan shouted.

Shocked gasps escaped everyone's lips when Yuan opened the door again. He was wearing Kratos' mercenary garb.

"What the…?" Lloyd attempted.

"Dude!" Zelos practically shouted. "You look…" He died off when he couldn't think of anything to say.

"It doesn't suit you," Kratos said from the corner of the room where he had been sulking.

"What?" Everyone looked at him quizzically.

"It doesn't suit you, Yuan. Everyone knows that I'm the only man in any world who can pull off wearing purple spandex with a purple cape, _and_ have sparkly wings. You, however, look very…fruity." Kratos crossed his arms with smug satisfaction.

"…Dad…?" Lloyd asked, gaping like a fish at Kratos.

"What? It's true."

"I didn't know you were aware of your extreme sexiness, Kratos!" Zelos praised.

"…Are you coming on to me?" Kratos asked skeptically.

"What? No! Ew! You're, like, fifty million years old!" Zelos made a face.

"Excuse me? I'm only four thousand and fifty years old." Kratos shot a glare at Zelos.

"Same difference." Zelos waved his hand. "But, anyway, Yuan, I agree with Kratos on this one. You do look fruity." Yuan sighed.

"Fine, whatever. Then I guess I'll just go as a Fruit Loop for Halloween. I wish Martel was still alive…" Yuan mused.

"What?" Sheena asked.

"She would always pick out our costumes. It was a lot easier that way."

"Oh. Okay, then. Oh, crap! It's almost six! I've got to go put my costume on!" She turned to leave, then stopped. "Zelos! Stay!" she commanded when she saw Zelos sneaking after her.

"Aw…"

* * *

It was seven o'clock. Party time. One by one, students and teachers from Altamira High School entered Zelos' mansion. They quickly found a group to hang out with, and they spent their night dancing and drinking with their friends.

Finally, the Regeneration Heroes showed up. Zelos opened the door to find them all disguised in costume. "Hey! Come on in!" Both Yuan and Kratos were reluctant to enter, as they were both wearing quite embarrassing costumes. And so Lloyd and Colette were the first to enter.

"Hey, Zelos! I like your costume!" Lloyd gestured to the fedora Zelos wore on his head and the cigar in his mouth.

"I'm a mobster!" Zelos proclaimed proudly.

"Oh. Okay." Lloyd said. "What do you think of mine?"

"What are you?" Zelos asked.

"Oh, I'm…Robin!" Lloyd said happily, pointing at his black mask, green tights, and red shirt.

"What the heck?"

"I don't know who he is. Haley told me to wear it, and it looked like fun!" Then Lloyd walked away, smelling food.

"And what are you, my little angel?..." Zelos asked as he turned around to face Colette. Then he saw her, and frowned. "Um, Colette? You're supposed to dress up on Halloween."

"Oh, I'm dressed up, silly! See? I'm an angel!" The girl pointed toward the strap-on angel wings on her back.

Zelos facepalmed.

Genis entered the house at that moment, and everyone gasped, mortified. "What?" he asked as he looked around.

"Dude…Lloyd's going to kill you…" Zelos whispered, eyes wide.

Lloyd wandered back into the front hall with a cup of "blood" and some pigs in blankets on a plate. He dropped them both when he saw Genis and began to scream. His swords were out in a flash, and he rushed toward Genis, a strange mixture of fury and terror on his face.

"L-Lloyd?" Genis shrieked as the boys approached. Blue runes appeared under his feet and he quickly cast Aqua Edge. Lloyd stopped abruptly when the water hit his face.

"…Genis?" Lloyd asked. Genis nodded, his mouth failing him. His body was rigid and trembling, the aftereffects of alarm still effecting him.

"Oh. Hey, Genis? Never dress up as a tomato ever again." Lloyd sheathed his swords, gathered his food from the floor, and left.

"My son…I'm so ashamed," Kratos said as he finally walked in with Yuan. Sheena and Raine had to drag them in, but the important thing was that they were here. Both Sheena's and Raine's costumes shocked everyone.

Raine wore a pure white, simple dress. It flowed down her, accentuating her beauty far beyond words. A golden wreath sat upon her head, and a necklace of the same color adorned her neck. She had sandals on her feet, again the same golden color.

"R-Raine…" Zelos drooled. "Are you here to be my goddess?"

"What? No!" After smacking Zelos, she continued explaining her costume. "I am the ancient Balacruf queen, Cleo III. There is an extremely interesting history behind Balacruf. Cleo III was one of the most respected queens of the Balacruf Dynasty. She brought many great things to her people, including several trading routes that allowed the kingdom to prosper. And then, when a raging storm appeared, she calmed the Summon Spirit of wind in order to save her empire. And even more—"

"Professor, we don't have time for one of your lectures!" Lloyd shouted from the other side of the room.

Raine looked sad, and walked off.

Then all eyes turned to Sheena. Her face was contorted in rage, glaring at Zelos. "Why are you wearing that?" she barked.

"I had no idea! Honestly!" Zelos cried. "I didn't know that you were going to be a mobster, too!"

"I don't like the idea of a pair-look with you. Go change!" she ordered.

"Sorry; I don't have another costume," he shrugged.

"Gah!" She stormed off, raving about the fact that Zelos and she were wearing practically the same outfit.

"If I may say, this entire scenario just screams 'dysfunctional family'," Yuan chuckled. This earned him a slap from Kratos, Zelos, and in Genis' case, a kick.

"Idiot…" Kratos murmured. Then he went off to sulk.

"Geez, that guy broods too much," Zelos commented.

"I heard that!" Kratos shouted.

"You were meant to!" Zelos retorted.

The rest of the party was very simple. Yuan attempted to woo the girls at the party, but they all told him that his costume made him look fruity and walked away. Kratos continued to brood and cast Grave on anyone who tried to come near him. Lloyd and Zelos drank a little too much "blood" and ended up supporting each other. Colette was her blissful self and danced the night away with Genis the Tomato. Sheena and Raine grew happier as the night drifted on and eventually found great-looking guys to dance with. And when the party ended, everyone went home.

* * *

"Regal?" Presea asked the elder man.

"Yes?"

"I can't shake the feeling that we've missed something important…" she said as she looked out at her kingdom.

"I feel the same way. How strange…"

Both of them let the feeling slide as they scrutinized the temple that was being built in their honor. Behind that, each of their castles blocked the bright sun from view, dimming the setting and making it look eerie and foreboding.

"This is turning out to be a wonderful place, don't you think?" Regal mused.

"Yes, I quite enjoy it here."

Then they watched as their minions continued to construct their empire.

* * *

Yeah, I know the ending is a little rushed, but I wanted it out in time for Halloween, and I've had way too much homework to work on it further than this. So I'm very, very sorry. But I have to say, my favorite quote has to be when Kratos tells Yuan that he looks fruity. Hehehehe…My friends agree, too. And so, there you go. My Halloween special. I hope you liked it.


	14. Getting Back on Track

Wow. I haven't written anything for this in two whole months, and I'm pushing three. It's kind of weird. I also think I have withdrawal symptoms. I can't live without my crack! (By that, I mean my story…)

Anyway, let's see if I can pick up where I left off. Hopefully NaNoWriMo and Christmas haven't killed off my brain cells.

Did everyone have a good Christmas, though? I'd love to hear about what you all got from Santa. And that gives you a reason to review, doesn't it? Hmmm…this is in NO WAY a scam to get more reviews. AT ALL. I MEAN IT. SERIOUSLY. YEAH. BLAH.

So, sometime in December I went downstairs and I started singing "The Itsy Bitsy Spider". Why? I have no idea. But then I randomly came up with a parody for it. Here it is:

_The itsy, bitsy Mithos climbed up the Tower of Salvation.  
Down came Derris-Kharlan and wiped out half the nation.  
Then out came Lloyd Irving saved all of the people,  
And the itsy, bitsy Mithos was roundhouse-kicked by Regal!_

Oh, yeah. It's awesome, isn't it? And I'm going to end my Author's Note. Now.

Disclaimer: I'm not, nor ever will be, the owner of anything mentioned in here. If I was, I wouldn't spend my time typing this, and this story wouldn't exist because I'd have too much stuff to spend my piles and piles of money on. Got it? Oh, and I'd like to thank AndieArmstrong (because I'm lame and keep forgetting) for helping me come up with ideas galore for quite a few chapters, including this one. Whenever we talk, I seem to get an idea from her, so thanks, Andie. There's your credit, so don't go all crazy on me anymore.

**Chapter Fourteen: Getting Back On Track**

A strange-looking boy wandered into Altamira High, looking very angry. The boy had on a long, yellow T-shirt, a giant backpack slung over his shoulders, a yellow bandana, and he carried a strange red umbrella. A small crowd gathered around him, wondering what he was doing.

"Where is Ranma?" the boy yelled, and everyone looked at him in confusion. Ranma? Who was this boy?

Because of his instinctual reflexes, Lloyd rushed out of the crowd and asked, "What's wrong? Who's Ranma?"

"Y-you don't know?" the boy asked again.

"Uh, no. Who are you, anyway?" Lloyd looked at the boy like he thought that he was crazy. In fact, Lloyd _did_ think that the boy was crazy.

"I'm Ryoga. I'm looking for Ranma. Is this Furinken High School?" he asked while looking around, his eyes locked in a glare.

"Uh…no. This is Altamira High School."

"What? So you mean I'm lost _again_?" Ryoga asked as his eyes bulged out of his head.

"…Uh, sure." _This boy is weird_, Lloyd thought to himself.

At that moment, Haley swooped down on her cloud and said, "Wrong dimension, Ryoga. Leave."

Hanging his head, Ryoga exited the building. "That guy's weird," Lloyd announced.

"Yeah, he is," everyone agreed.

"Strange name, too," another person in the crowd said. Again, everyone agreed.

* * *

After school, Lloyd walked out of the building with Colette. Though he would never tell her, he still liked her. And so the two walked, Colette talking nonstop about Brian. _Brian_…he was the only one standing in Lloyd's way. A pang of fury made its way through Lloyd, and he had to bite his tongue so that he wouldn't say something he didn't want to say in front of Colette.

"So, yesterday," Colette continued, "Brian took me out to dinner. It was so sweet, and then he walked me home. When we reached my house, he gave me a rose and then he kissed me on my front porch! Isn't that so sweet, Lloyd?"

"Mm-hmm…" Lloyd mumbled, trying not to barf. He had to get that stupid boy out of the way. But how? How could he get rid of Brian?

Suddenly, he was thinking back to chapter five of this story, when Yggy had kidnapped him. And then it hit him. That was what he was going to do.

* * *

Brian was walking to see his tutor at around seven o'clock that night. He was whistling a soft, happy tune that he supposed he had heard from a play. He couldn't wait to get ahead of Genis, that little smart-ass. If he stayed with his study patterns every weekday, then he knew that he would eventually be back at the top of the class. Suddenly, the wind shifted, and Brian stopped whistling. Something wasn't right.

"Hehehehe…" a hushed voice chuckled. Brian turned around to try to find the source of the voice, but to no avail.

Deciding that no one was following him and that it was his imagination, he started walking again, this time a little quicker. A few moments passed by safely, but then he heard a twig snap. Jumping a little, he looked to where the source of the noise had come from…and saw his own foot. Oh. Seeing that there was nothing around him, he continued walking. Well, at the pace he was going, it was more like he was running. Whoever was tailing him sure loved to scare him.

"Aroo!" a female voice called, loud and clear. It came from behind Brian. Obviously, his stalker wasn't being cautious anymore. A large gust of wind nearly knocked Brian off of his feet, and when his head connected with something hard and flat, his vision went blurry and he blacked out.

* * *

Brian gurgled from his chair as he woke up. A person, watching from the shadows, glared at him with hatred, red eyes almost glowing in the darkness. As he lifted his head, he noticed those eyes and yelped. Whatever had been following him had caught him. He struggled to get up, only to find that his arms and legs were bound to the chair that he sat in. The person cackled, and Brian noted that the voice was female. A girl had kidnapped him? He knew he was popular, hot, and pretty good in bed, but he didn't know anyone who was willing to go to such lengths.

As he thought over this change of events, the girl took a step out of the shadows, and Brian gasped.

"Hello, Brian," she said happily, waving at him.

"H-H-H-H…" he stammered, confused and terrified at the same time.

"…Yeah? What do you want to say? Just spit it out already." She tilted her head and mocked him with a smile.

"Haley…?" he managed, and Haley nodded.

Beaming, she exclaimed, "Yup! Surprised, huh?"

Confused, Brian asked, "Why have you kidnapped me?"

"Kidnap is such a…harsh word, isn't it? I prefer the term 'surprise adoption'." She smiled happily at him. But all that Brian could do was stare. Sighing, Haley added, "I bet you're wondering _why_ you're tied to a chair in my secret lair, huh?"

Slowly, the captive nodded.

"Well, dear, dear Brian," she began, a small, reminiscent smile creeping onto her face, "I decided to do a favor for a friend."

"…Who?"

"Lloyd, of course!" the insane teenager cackled. "He asked me earlier to get rid of you, and I was feeling…generous, I guess you could say."

"Wh-what are you going to do?" Brian asked, wide-eyed and fearful.

"Hmmm…well, I actually haven't thought that part out. So I guess I'll leave it up to my handy-dandy wall of torture!" Swinging her arm in a flamboyant manner, she gestured to a massive wall behind her. The wall contained weapons of torture from all periods of time, including a ray gun, a spear, a chainsaw, and a bicycle. Next to those weapons sat a tank, a guillotine, and a toothbrush. Why she had a toothbrush, one will never know. Haley looked down at her computer, which was dutifully typing out the scenario that was currently happening, and gasped. "Hey! Compy! Why are you questioning my sanity? I have a perfectly logical explanation for my toothbrush! It's…it's…it's a beating stick! Yeah! A beating stick! Take that, world!" she screamed to her laptop, which was still questioning her sanity.

After giving one final glare to Compy, she stood up from the cloud, El Tomate Picante, and walked over to the wall. She studied it and looked for the perfect item. Finally, after giving much thought, she extended her hand and grabbed a flame thrower. She examined the weapon in her hand with a scrutinizing face, then put it back on the wall, shaking her head. "Too smelly," she mumbled to herself. She looked back at the wall and noticed a shiny patch of metal to her left. She reached and plucked the knife off the wall. "…It's not very interesting, but…it'll do."

Haley sauntered back over to Brian with the knife in hand, smiling a malicious smile. Brian squirmed in the chair, trying to break free of the ropes that held him. "N-no! Stop!" he screamed.

"Too late; I've already made my decision," Haley said offhandedly as she reached him. She drew back her hand and prepared to thrust. "I'm going to enjoy this. A lot."

* * *

Haley's neighbors were getting ready to go to bed. As they snuggled into bed, though, they heard someone from her house scream, "N-no! Stop!"

A series of screams and maniacal laughter followed, and when the couple moved to look out of their window, they saw tons of red blotches staining the curtains to Haley's house.

Sighing, they crawled back into bed. It was another one of _those_ nights. Why did they have to live right next door to the loudest serial killer in all of Aselia? Putting pillows over their heads, they tried to block out the shrieks and laughter that came from the house, preparing for the long night ahead of them.

* * *

The next day, Haley floated into Altamira High on her cloud, yawning tiredly. "I'm _never_ doing that again so late at night," she grumbled.

Loud footsteps pounded down the hallway toward her, and as the boy came into view, she tried to regain her air of authority and power. "Lloyd," she greeted.

"Haley!" Lloyd shouted. "Did you, um, do _it_?" He put heavy emphasis on the "it."

She sighed. "Yes, of _course_ I did. I said I would, didn't I?"

"Well, yes…"

"Now go to class before you have the same fate as Brian."

Lloyd disappeared faster than Haley could see. She smiled lightly as the intercom beeped and the morning announcements came on.

"_Good morning, Altamira. Today is…some day of the week. We have the same crappy food as yesterday. And finally, we have some bad news. A boy named Brian was found, dead, in an alleyway last night. We believe he was murdered by an unknown killer. That's all. Have a crappy day. And don't forget to come to the glee club's concert tonight!_" The morning news cut off, and Haley smiled. "Murdered by an unknown killer?" Wow. That was so…stupid.

* * *

Yuan sprinted down the halls at some point in the day with a manic expression on his face.

"RUBBER CHICKEN!" he yelled, and everyone turned to look at him as he continued down the student-filled hallways.

"I think he drank too much potion," Genis commented as he looked down the rows of lockers.

"Indeed," Kratos agreed.

* * *

"Hey, Sheena?" Zelos asked the ninja as she started to walk out of his classroom to go to her next class.

"What do you want, Zelos?" she responded, still annoyed with him.

"I noticed something the other day, and I wanted to know if you've noticed it, too."

"Okay…"

"You know the Sorcerer's Ring? Well, have you noticed that when we use it, we always bring it up to our chests?" he asked, almost casually, as if discussing the weather.

"That's so we get a clear aim of where we're sending it," she pointed out.

"Well, then why do we bring it _so close_ to our chests? I mean, whenever I see someone using it, it looks like they're…touching themselves." He smiled slyly and longingly.

"Ew! You pervert! Only _you_ would think that!" she practically screamed.

"Well, the author has also thought of this, obviously, or it wouldn't be in this story, huh?" he grinned.

"W-well…" She stumbled, trying to find a retort to that.

"I'm just saying," he said and walked away.

Hopelessly confused, Sheena walked through the halls, cursing Zelos with all of the colorful language that she knew. She continued walking until she fell down.

"Ow!" she yelled, rubbing her kneecaps, which had, unfortunately, broken her fall. She looked back to see what she had tripped over and saw a half-eaten corn cob lying in the middle of the hallway, mocking her with its yellowness. "What the…?"

"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Haley's shrill voice rang.

Sheena sighed and decided to just keep walking and not question that girl's unnaturally insane head.

* * *

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"We are _not_ doing this again."

Kratos sighed. "Why do I have to do this?" he complained.

"Because you joined glee club," Haley pointed out.

"Yes; because _you_ forced me to join."

"Because _you_ have a super sexy voice."

Kratos glared. It was finally the night of the concert, and he really did not want to go out there and sing, especially the song that they had chosen to sing. He could sing it perfectly, of course, but the humiliation that would ensue would be near unbearable. "I don't want to do it."

"Don't be a baby. Go out there and shine!" Haley pushed the man out onto the stage and disappeared to sit in the audience. The curtain rose, revealing a stiff Kratos standing in front of the rest of the choir. A light, happy tune began playing, and the stoic man walked up to the microphone. Why did _he_ have to get the solo?

"_If you're happy and you know it,  
Clap your hands!_"

Shocked, everyone in the auditorium had their mouths hanging open. After the initial shock, they started laughing. As Kratos sang the song, the choir behind him made the gestures. They clapped and stomped in time.

"_If you're happy and you know it,  
Stomp your feet!_"

Finally, the last verse was coming up. Unfortunately, it required showing emotion to finish the song.

"_If you're happy and you know it,  
Shout 'Hooray!'_"

Then Kratos yelled, "Hooray!" with the rest of the choir and everyone gasped. He just rolled his eyes and continued with the humiliation.

"_If you're happy and you know it,  
Then your face should surely show it!  
If you're happy and you know it,  
Shout 'Hooray!'_"

The song ended, and Kratos glared at the audience before hurrying off the stage.

"I'm going to get rid of that girl, no matter what."

* * *

Well, it's done. Yay? Sorry it took so long. I'm a failure. Sigh.

Yeah. Brian's dead. Why? I don't know. I started this chapter thinking that Lloyd would just kidnap him. But my mind works in mysterious ways, and this is what happened to that three-month-long idea. Yeah, three months. You got a problem with that? Most of my ideas are from the first few months after posting the first chapter of this. Also, I'm sorry this is kind of short; I really wanted this to be out before February. Yeah. I'm so sorry that I can't deal with deadlines!

Regarding the "Aroo!" bit-thing, that would be an inside joke. Just play the second movie-part-thing of Dawn of the World and you'll almost kind of understand. Just say what's on the screen and not what is actually being said. If you're completely insane from lack of sleep, then you'll know why it's so funny. I dedicate this part to AndieArmstrong. Blah blah blah. Bye.


	15. TSTTCPHtaSFTYOA

I've just noticed something odd. Have you noticed my penname? You know, Doodlebugg? Well, I think it's an unfitting penname for me. With that kind of name, you'd think that the story would be all like: "And they lived happily ever after…" but NO. In my last chapter, I _killed_ someone. In cold blood. Just because "Lloyd asked me to." I really am a sadistic, evil, scary person. So why in the world is my penname "Doodlebugg"? I'm not changing it—no, I wouldn't do that—but I've just been thinking about it, that's all.

…There must be something seriously wrong with me.

Disclaimer: This author, unfortunately, does not own anything. She merely owns the random thoughts that float through her head.

And because I know AndieArmstrong will get on to me yet again, some of the ideas in this chapter were spawned from her devious and strangely-colored mind.

**Chapter Fifteen: The Strangest Things That Could Possibly Happen to a Four Thousand-Year-Old Stoic Angel**

* * *

"_Link has come to town!_"

A song floated through the ears of Kratos, who looked around, trying to find the source.

"C_ome to save the princess Zelda!_"

Kratos looked up to the ceiling; maybe Yuan was playing it over the intercom. He listened closer for the music. It was not coming from the office. Suddenly, a young boy clad in a green tunic raced across the halls of the school, riding atop a large horse and waving a sword that looked far too big for him to carry around.

"G_anon took her away; now the children don't play, but they will when Link saves the day!_"

Everyone in the building suddenly shouted, "Hallelujah!" Kratos whipped around to face the boy on the horse.

"What do you think you're doing?" he hissed at him.

The boy didn't respond, but he made a few gestures in reply and continued on.

"_Now, Link: fill up your hearts, so you can shoot your sword with power!_"

Again with the music. Where in the world was it coming from? He listened closer for the sound. It seemed to originate from…the boy? Was this the "Link" that the song spoke of?

"A_nd when you're feeling all down, the fairy will come around, so you are brave and not a sissy coward!_"

A musical interlude followed the singer, and the boy jumped down from his horse and started waving his sword in a flamboyant manner. The students gasped and stepped back, allowing him to slice through the air. Then, he ran into the nearest room. Kratos could hear the sounds of punches and swords clashing, and Kratos worried for the boy's safety. But he really shouldn't have. Link returned just as the song continued.

"_Now Link has saved the day!_"

The boy held a young girl in his arms. She wore a pink dress and, oddly, she had pointed ears. An elf, perhaps? What was with this strange production?

"P_ut Ganon in his grave!_" Kratos looked into the room that the boy had come out of. There was a large hole in the ground that held a pig-faced man in it. A tombstone sat on top of it. It read, "Ganon: May he never rise again."

"_And now Zelda is free, and our hero shall be Link! I think your name shall go down into history!_"

Kratos watched as both the boy and the girl rode off into the sunset. A thousand questions swam around in his mind, the most prominent one being: _how did that sunset get inside our school?_

* * *

"Hey, Professor Kratos?" Genis asked. It was Kratos' planning period, so it was strange to see one of his students come into his classroom.

"Yes, Genis?" the teacher responded.

"Uh...where do babies come from?"

Kratos was stunned. And a little embarrassed. "Wh-why would you ask me that?" he stammered.

"Well, Raine always said that they were dropped out of the sky by dragons. But I'm old enough now to realize that that would be impossible. So now I'm curious."

Kratos stared blankly at the kid. "So _why_ did you decide to ask _me_?"

"Because, other than Zelos, you're the only adult here. So, are you going to tell me?" Genis looked at him with his arms crossed, expecting an answer. Kratos continued to stare. What was he always the one who was tortured? Why couldn't it be Regal?

"Because," Haley interjected as she floated into the room, "it's fun to put you in awkward situations."

"When did _you_ get here?" Kratos demanded angrily.

"Just now. I think I'll stay here, too."

Crap.

"…Fine. I'll tell you, Genis."

"Yay!" Genis ran over to his teacher and sat down, almost starry-eyed. "Go ahead."

Kratos sighed, exasperated. "You see, when two people love each other very much, they decide that they want a child. And sometimes, maybe they don't," Kratos started, but was interrupted by Haley.

"Is that what happened to you, Krattie?" Haley laughed.

"…No," he responded a little nervously. Then, before anyone could say anything more, he said, "Anyway, they decide that they want a child, and…then, a large text box shows up above their heads, saying that they received a child. And that's how babies are born."

"Really? I always knew those message boxes were used for stuff other than giving us titles!" Genis cried happily, glad that he now knew the "secret" behind child birth. "Thanks, Kratos!" he exclaimed and then skipped out of the classroom.

"Wow, nice save, Krattie," Haley said sarcastically, rolling her eyes. "It's a good thing he's got no common sense."

Kratos only stared into space, twitching every so often.

"MUAHAHAHAHAHA!" Haley then randomly cackled as she floated out of the room after Genis.

"Why didn't I go back to Derris-Kharlan?" the angel moaned, holding his head in his hands. "Why?"

* * *

"K_ratos Aurion, please report to the principal's office immediately_."

The intercom rang through Kratos' ears, and he groaned. This could possibly be the worst day of his four thousand-year-old life. Sighing exasperatedly, he stood up from his chair and walked slowly and grudgingly to Yuan's office.

Swinging open the door that read, "Principal," he said angrily, "What do you want, Yuan?"

The blue-haired half-elf only smiled pleasantly at him. It would have been an understatement to say that Kratos was confused. "Yuan?" he asked again.

"Ah, hello, Mr. Aurion," Yuan said. "Won't you take a seat?"

What was wrong? Yuan was being…cordial?

Shaking off his strange thoughts, he turned his attention back to Yuan. "Yuan…"

"Yes, my dear friend?" he asked, seemingly unaware of his change in personality.

"Yuan…are you feeling all right?" Kratos asked, concerned for his friend.

"Why ever would you say that, friend? I feel perfectly fine. Oh! You're feeling okay, too, right?" Yuan moved his hands to his face to convey his shock and concern. Then he leaned over and felt Kratos' head. Said angel jerked back.

"Yuan, what are you doing?" he yelled.

"I'm concerned for your safety, Kratos. We're friends, right?" Yuan turned his expression into a pout. "Come on, Kratos."

Just then, the door the office flew open. Kratos twisted around in surprise and saw an angry blue-haired man standing in the doorway. "Kevin!" he yelled. "What do you think you're doing?"

"…Yuan…?" Kratos asked slowly, hopelessly confused. "…Kevin?" Kratos turned back to the man at the desk. "Your name is Kevin?"

The other man stormed into the room. "Why the he'll do you think you can tie me up?" he demanded.

"I'm sorry, brother," the first man said solemnly. "I wanted to see what it was like…"

"You know you're not allowed here! Go home!" The first man—Kevin—stood up from the desk and exited the room, his eyes downcast.

"Yuan…?" Kratos asked, hopelessly lost.

"Sorry about that," Yuan said calmly. "That was my evil twin brother. He must have escaped from the closet. I'll have to make the ropes tighter next time."

"What?" Kratos mumbled. "You have a brother?"

"An evil twin. It's terrible."

Kratos placed his head in his hands. "For some reason, I think that _you're_ the evil one, Yuan."

* * *

A test. Kratos had assigned a test in his class today. It was, admittedly, a very hard test, and he was proud of it. He only hoped that his son would pass.

The students poured into the room and took their seats. On their desks was the test. "Begin," their teacher said, and everyone began. Well, everyone except for his son.

Lloyd stood up and pumped his fist. He narrowed his eyes and said enthusiastically, "Titans, go!"

Everyone stopped writing and stared at him. "What?" a kid said. Kratos recognized him as Nerd.

"Lloyd, what are you doing?" Kratos hissed. "You are interrupting the test."

"I don't know. I just felt the sudden urge to yell that. Maybe it's a meme or something." Lloyd shrugged, sat back down, and began scratching his answers onto the paper.

Kratos stared blankly at his son. This could possibly be the strangest day in his life. But the only thought that ran through his head was: _what is a meme_?

* * *

"Hey, Kratos!" Zelos laughed. It was both of their classes' lunch period, and Kratos had stupidly decided to walk into the teachers' lounge. It just so happened that, at the moment that he came in, Zelos was on the computer there, reading a document that was apparently very funny.

"Hello, Zelos. What are you doing?" Kratos asked, walking toward Zelos and the computer curiously, attempting to foresee Zelos' response.

"I found the greatest website ever to grace my eyes," he laughed. "You've got to see this!"  
Squinting his eyes against the bright light, he read the words on the screen. "…What is this?"

"It's called 'FanFiction,'" Zelos replied. "Isn't it hilarious?"

Kratos read more. "This is about us. How are these people getting this information? They even know that I'm Lloyd's father."

Zelos flopped back in his chair. "I don't know, man, but this is so entertaining!"

Kratos clicked on a new link, bringing up a new story. He skimmed it, and a soft smile appeared on his face as he did so. "This user killed you."

Behind him, Zelos' eyes bulged out of his head and he leaned in, pushing Kratos out of the way. "What?" he shouted as he read the words. "No way! How can they kill the great and sexy Zelos?"

Kratos sighed. "Whatever." He went back to the list and scanned more stories. "What is this word? 'Krelos?'" he inquired.

"Beats me," Zelos said, still sulking. Kratos clicked on the fic and read about half of the chapter before his eyes, too, bulged out of his head. "Ugh! What is this blasphemy?"

"Huh?" Zelos leaned in, the previous story forgotten.

_Zelos wandered over to Kratos, who was, as usual, sulking in a corner. "Hey, sexy," he smiled flirtatiously._

_At Zelos' melodious voice, Kratos looked up, looking considerably less depressed and suicidal. "Zelos?"_

_"I thought you might want some…cheering up…if you know what I mean. Hehe." Zelos winked and licked his lips, awaiting this long kiss that would soon fill his senses. Kratos, on the other hand, lunged from his Emo Corner and landed on top of the other male. Growling sexily, he began to bite at various sensitive spots on Zelos' skin. Zelos pulled Kratos farther down on top of him, and they began to have—_

"Oh, my…_what the hell?_" Zelos practically screamed.

Kratos quickly pressed the "back" button and read the summary. "It seems that this is called 'yaoi.' What kind of people actually _like_ this kind of stuff?" Kratos attempted to hide his own look of horror and disgust.

"…" Zelos didn't say. Kratos looked over his shoulder accusingly, and Zelos admitted it. "Well, I guess it's an acquired taste. I mean, it's just for kicks and giggles, you know? …Don't look at me like that! It's perfectly normal!"

Some random person had paired his with _this_ idiot? What had this world come to?

* * *

For the record, I have absolutely nothing against yaoi. I actually love it. For the most part. I like the cute fluff. Not the creepy sexual acts they perform in some fics. But that's the same with straight pairings. And yuri. So…yeah. Hope there's no confusion there. Kratos just seems like that old fart who wants nothing to do with anything like homosexuality or women's rights.

…What's that?

Haha, just kidding. 'Cause I'm a woman and stuff.

…Yeah.

Now, for other, more important news. I'm probably going to end this soon. Which means that there will be about one or two more chapters. This is because I've run out of ideas and motivation. If you really want me to try and continue it longer, then, by all means, dole out your ideas and get me motivated. But I doubt you all actually care about poor little me and this story, which _almost_ defines crack.

So, review. Sorry for ending it so soon. I never intended it, but I don't have any more ideas. Sorry!

I love you all!

REVIEW.

I COMMAND YOU.

BLAH.


End file.
